~Thoughts and Travels~

My First First's

2011-07-18T11:46:00.000+08:00

The many firsts in my life, as far as memory permits me to remember...

First Tamil Movie in a Theater
I think I was in kindergarten, and home was in Imbi (that big, beautiful house that was a joy to play hide and seek). We watched Annamalai in Coliseum..vaguely remember jumping with excitement, not because of the movie, but because of the fact that it was the first ever tamil movie I was going to watch in a theater. Being a Rajinikanth movie, the crowd was pretty much what it would've been like in India - whistling, clapping, etc.

First Best Friend
Farah, from Tadika Fatima :)
I have no clue where she is now, or what she even looks like. We sat together, had our breaks together, even took part in the same events together. I can't remember if we shared secrets, but I do know we shared all our lunches and homework!

First Time I Cried In School
Surprisingly enough, it wasn't on the first day of school. In fact, it was much later, when I was in Standard 2, sick with high fever and flu. For some reason, the fever was too much to handle, and I remember just laying my head down on my desk and crying because all I wanted was my bed.

First Raya Celebration Experience
This happened when I was 10, and we celebrated Raya at Shazna's house. It was fantastic, and I will never forget Laksa Johor that Shazy's mum made! Haven't had it since I left school...hopefully, this next Raya will be another reunion for us!

First Flight
England baby! It was the first ever flight I'd taken, at 10 again, to England for the 1st International Children's Conference on the Environment. Almost 13 hours on flight, it was quite an experience for a child, especially one like me. I wrote postcards to my cousins in KL, and gave them to the stewardess to post for me :P

First Middle East Trip
This would be the first and last so far. Extremely priveledged to have been able to make it to Iraq, before the 2nd war broke out. Tons learnt from that trip, some of which I had written on notes off Facebook (A Little Memory From Iraq). Definitely a trip I will always remember.

First Footie Match!
This happened last week, when I was lucky enough (thanks to my big bro!) to get a free ticket to watch Arsenal vs Malaysia at Bukit Jalil Stadium. Loved the atmosphere, loved the surroundings...loved the experience!

Flashy Food

2011-07-06T20:59:00.000+08:00

Sometime pictures paint the words you wish to speak. When in doubt, use photos. Sharing some random food photography done recently...

A Little Memory from Iraq

2011-06-03T21:42:00.000+08:00

We sat in the bus, busy blowing balloons for the visit we were making. In less than ten minutes, the whole vehicle was filled with a sea of colours, all floating about above us.

As each of us got off the bus, we took with us a handful of balloons. Armed with smiles, and a heart filled with warmth, we walked in to a room filled with bubbly laughter and delightful faces. Though they were shy at first, eventually the children warmed up to us - despite the language barrier, we silenty communicated through hand gestures and just, a simple smile.

As we handed out the precious KitKat bars brought all the way from Malaysia, it dawned on me suddenly that these kids had probably never seen chocolates in a long time. Sad, how we take something as small and insignificant like chocolate for granted where we come from. The joy I witnessed on their little innocent faces cannot be described by just words - they do no justice to the raw, pure emotions that emanated from their very beings.

When we left the home, I found myself thinking...you know, there are so many homes like these for children all over the world. What makes this home any different from an orphanage in Malaysia?

Unlike the kids back home...these children have probably witnessed the most horrific, undescribable, terrorising pain, death, and war that none of us has ever experienced at any point of our lives. And they are just...children.

How grateful I should be, that I live in a country that has never had to experience any of these horrors.

The next time this thought crossed my mind, I was watching Kannathil Mutthamital when the bombing scenes at the village in Sri Lanka was played.

After almost 10 years, I don't know if these kids have grown up safe, or alive...if I ever see them again, God Willing - then I have nothing but a heart filled with gratitude to offer to them.

We can never compare our lives to others, as everyone has their own paths to follow. However, we can always look back and wonder, even when someone seems so much worse off than we do - how do they still find the little windows of happiness? How? Something to think about.

In the end of it all, life will continue to renew itself and take its course as it should. Love, Perseverance, and Faith take centre stage, knocking away all traces of Defeat, Anguish and Sorrow. Such is the strength of the Human spirit.

For this, I am grateful to Uncle Sabri and Aunty Wati for allowing me to have this life changing experience. If I had a chance to go back and do it all again - I would! So thank you, Aunty and Uncle. These are lessons in life that I have been blessed to experience first hand.

Many more little memories from Iraq :) will share soon.

I was fortunate to be a part of group of exceptional young children who were granted the opportunity to visit Iraq in 2001, and produce a documentary on Iraqi children. It was a life-changing experience, that left me with a completely different outlook of life. The conclusion of the trip was simply - War and politics are adult games...but the losers are always the children.

The End of Another Chapter

2011-05-19T16:15:00.002+08:00

This is my work space - till tomorrow. Double me here thanks to my colleague Tracy, who loves being super random at times.

After almost a year here, its time to fly again. Like all jobs, after learning what you had started out to learn - you then spread your wings, and fly. Nothing solid confirmed yet for next week and the rest of my life, but I trust all will sort out as per the Big Boss's plans for me.

Can't say what the future holds, never can, and never will be able to. What I am sure about however, is that regardless of where life takes me, it will always be for the best.

How I Photographed Swami

2011-05-17T14:54:00.000+08:00

After coming home from Parthi in February, there was a part of me which felt a teeny weeny bit of jealousy - of the boys. As always, they get to do EVERYTHING. I must say however, the last trip to Parthi was an amazing blessing in itself.

Because of our drama practices, for the drama that never took place - we were given access to the Mandir after darshan hours. Boy, did it become a playground to us! I was so blessed, to be able to stand right in front of where Swami sits to give His darshan everyday, walk, where He would have walked to take His place on His throne, sit, where His feet would have touched the ground, right there, smack in the middle of the verandah.

It was AMAZING. Even the day of our performance, to be able to sit SO SO SO close to where Swami would have physically been, was an amazing blessing.I was so happy. Elated.Overjoyed. Whatever word for extreme joy and fulfillment there is in the English dictionary, you name it, I totally felt it.

Anyway...so my dearest brother Ram Babu had the most amazing opportunity to photograph Swami. Yes, SWAMI! I was so happy for him, and at the same time I was telling Swami how unfair it is. The boys do everything, they are so close to You, and us girls? We have to sit in the corner and be good.

Photography to me, is Swami's gift. I am happiest with a camera in my hand. I wished so badly to have been able to photograph Swami when I was in Parthi. Of course, when I came home to KL, I completely forgot about it.

During Swami's Tribute in Malaysia, I was given the task of handling photography with a few others. To me, this is Swami's constant blessing - to be able to do what I loved best for Him all the time. It was a long, long weekend, all of us were dead tired but still, charged with some sort of energy.

At one point, the video montage of rare photos of Swami that Bro Kugan had made was played. I sat in front of the stage, watching the video with a smile, watching the beautiful photos of our Lord glide into the screen so gracefully, just as He would walk into Sai Kulwant Hall. My hands were still holding the camera.

Then all of a sudden, in the middle of this collection of beautiful photographs, Swami suddenly walks in on to the big screen - Bro Kugan had included video footage! Funny how I never noticed it earlier..Swami was walking, talking, smiling, waving, blessing...as if on invisible cue, I whipped up the camera and zoomed it in so the only thing I could see through the viewfinder in my frame was Swami.

And I photographed Him.

As He walked..talked..smiled...waved..blessed..and smiled again, directly at me.

I photographed my Swami.

:)

It couldn't have felt any more real. So ...thank You, my dearest, sweetest, most Loving Swami, for fulfilling this little wish I have had for the longest time.

Padhanamaskar

2011-05-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

Very early in the morning, very quickly...a quick padhanamaskar.

The girls were standing in a line, and Swami was walking past us, stopping in front of each one and saying something. As Swami approaches where I am, at first, I don't know He's there - I was actually distracted by something.

He walks past me, I turn around and follow Him, and suddenly just ask," Swami, can I take padhanamaskar?"

Swami looks at me, and simply says,"Yaaaaa." With a smile.

I prostrate in front of Him, kneel down and touch His feet - I swear, it felt like I was actually touching His feet..placed my forehead at His feet, and got up to stand before Him again.

He just looks at me, and smiles.

Hold my hand

2011-05-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

Nothing's changed. You are still who You are.

Answers are still being searched for...and You are still denying me access to them. Maybe its not time, maybe it is..I'll know when it unfolds.

Just hold my hand, Swami.

Blessed Dreams

2011-04-29T21:59:00.000+08:00

There was a beautiful old temple, that was somewhere that felt like India. It was huge, majestic, and rich in culture. Lots of courtyards, and plenty of space for pilgrims to walk, and sit in meditative prayer. The colour of the goburam was simply, cream. Many beautiful carvings depicting ancient puranic stories lined the walls.

I was seated among thousands of devotees, all of whom were facing the main Devasthanam of the temple. The curtains were drawn, I could see they were red in colour.All around, people were seated with their eyes closed, or their hands clasped in prayer.

Something was happening behind the curtain, but I couldn't picture what it was. Then I realised it was probably the priests getting ready to do abishegam.

The curtains were drawn.

And there, right in the middle of the Devasthanam where the statue of the main presiding deity of the temple usually is, was Swami, seated with one leg folded and one hand raised in blessings for all. He was smiling, dressed in this brilliant white robe, looking just the way I always see Him in my dreams - young, strong, handsome.

For a good ten to fifteen minutes, I sat transfixed, watching as these two priests conducted abishegam on Swami. They poured milk, kunkumam, chandanam, and a variety of other offerings on Him. The most vivid memory was that of the palabishegam. It flowed like a river down Swami, who was still seated just as He was before, a smile splendidly radiating from His face.

After that, they placed a beautiful garland on Swami. He smiled,...and I woke up.

A dream I had almost 4 years ago...always remain etched in my memories.

My First Divine Darshan

2011-04-28T13:50:00.000+08:00

I wrote this in 2007, after my first ever darshan with my Swami.

June 2007

There were always instances in life when I questioned and asked myself when Swami will think I am ready to see Him, in physical form. Years passed, many went and returned with so much to tell, and so much to share..and yet, my chance had not come.

At last, after 22 years of my life, I was finally granted the opportunity to see my Lord with my own two eyes. No one can set foot in Puttaparthi without Swami's will, and I knew there was a reason I was called by Him during the World Youth Conference this year (2007). He has plans for me, and my only task is to surrender, and have faith in all that He has planned for me.

Prasanthi Nilayam, Puttaparthi.

The moment I set foot on the soil of Puttaparthi, I knew, I was home at last.

It is heaven on Earth. God's garden, full of His flowers, His children, and His manifestation. Peace is one word to describe my first experience of Prasanthi. We, the Malaysian delegates for the World Youth Conference, arrived at 12am, 22nd July 2007. Prasanthi was asleep, all still and silent in the late hours of the night.

Tired from the long journey from Chennai to Puttaparthi, all one could do was shower and collapse on the bed. Thanking Swami, for finally bringing me to His lotus feet, for calling me here, to Him, to see Him, I fell fast asleep eagerly awaiting my first meeting with Swami.

Morning darshan was at 9am. By 4am, all of us were up and standing in line an hour later.

Sai Kulwant Hall.

A magnificent mandir that just radiates Love. The energy and Shakti that surrounds the mandir is so overwhelming, that when I walked in for the first time, I was taken aback. Was I really here? This is really it, this is where Swami is, in physical form. All my life I have yearned to see my Lord, and now...He has finally graced me with that chance. An indescribable feeling of familiarity filled my heart, and I truly felt that I was finally home.

The sound of bhajans in the mandir moved many to tears. It was a powerful, and blissful bhajan. At 930am, bhajans concluded, and we filed out of the hall in silence. Swami did not come for morning darshan.

Surprisingly, I was not disappointed. The bhajans was completely filled with Love for Swami and vibrations of His unseen presence...I felt Him there, even thought He wasn’t there physically.

Finally, the time came that afternoon...the time for me to meet my Lord for the first time, the first time in physical form. I was seated opposite the verandah, close to the front area of the mandir. All of a sudden, the muffled sounds of chit chat ceased into pin drop silence. The doors opened from the side, the lights of the mandir shone every so brightly and beautiful flute music begin to play. Vedic chanting commenced and the bells of Puttaparthi rang loud and clear. I turned, my hands clasped together in prayer..

and there He was.

Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba.

my Swami...

my Baba...

The chair He was seated on gracefully glided into the mandir, almost as if it was floating. Swami looked so beautiful, radiating with so much Love, so much peace. There was that smile on Swami's face, the smile many are so familiar with.

I saw my Lord for the very first time...tears spilled like cascading waterfalls from my eyes, and I felt my heart yearning for Swami, full of Love, pure love only for Him. I saw Him, in His bright orange robe, His mass of dark hair, His beautiful Lotus Feet and His hands placed so gracefully on the arm rests.

He turned, and He smiled...

"Swami....." my heart cried, filled with Love, all for Him.

He raised His hands in blessings.

The very embodiment of pure Love. Love, love, love... only Love.

Swami turned, and headed to the other side of the hall. At one point, I thought He would leave.

"Don't go Swami...." I cried silently.

To my joy, He turned again towards us, the women. We were graced with his darshan once again. Instantly I felt like a Gopika, yearning for Krishna with all my heart. Tears flowed freely, my hands still held in prayer, and my eyes fixed on my Swami.

I spoke to Him, freely, completely, totally...and prayed that He gives me what I need. He knows what I need, and I only need what He wants me to have. My love for Swami has never been something I could put into words. It was only then, when I saw Him, that I knew how much I love my Swami. How much I love my Baba...

How much I want to do everything for You, Swami..to give my life in service to You, to be an instrument for Your work.

That one blissful meeting with Swami left me with happiness that nothing can ever replace. I thought that was more than enough, but our dear Swami gave me more than just a taste of His sweetness to remember forever.

Swami graced us with His presence while bhajans was going on. I will never forget the bliss, the joy to be in His physical presence during bhajans. I vividly remember Swami seated, His eyes closed and hands in the air, immersed in the energy and Love from the bhajans. A song that can completely describe my feelings at that very moment was sung, as if on cue from Swami ..

I keep feeling Your Love in me, Over and over again,

It gets sweeter and sweeter as the days go by,

Oh what a Love between my Lord and I,

My Sai and I, My Sai and I,

My Sai and I, My Sai and I.

Arathi was taken outside the mandir, for all to see and bask in the glory of the Lord. To receive blessings and Love, and Swami’s continuous darshan is indeed the most precious gift of Life.

I have been blessed, to receive divine darshan, from the Divine Himself.

~ * ~

It is so difficult to pen the words etched in my heart for my Swami right now. Yet, I feel the need to express something. I'll definitely write something soon...when I can.

This is my first darshan experience, in 2007. After 2007, the only other darshan of Swami I was blessed with was two months ago in February during the Chinese New Year country yathra. Even then, in the five days I spent in Puttaparthi, Swami only gave me 5 minutes of His sight. I remember crying, pleading, begging Swami to come so badly.

And He did. Just for that five minutes. I will always be grateful for that final darshan. Truly, I am blessed.

I love you so very much, my Swami..

Thank you for always being my Best Friend, my Father, Mother, my guiding light, my guardian and protector, my Everything...You are the ONLY constant in my constantly changing life. I cannot express the anguish that I felt when You decided to ascend to the Heavens above. I thought I was strong, but just like all Your children, I too feel the pain of being physically separated from You. Please, always bless me with the ability to see You, feel You and serve You in All. Live in my Heart, Swami, never leave me.

My life will be Your Message. I will strive to become the Brightest shining star, only for You, my Baba.

Jai Sai Ram.

How I see my Swami, in my dreams, in my eyes, in my life :)

For You, my Swami

2011-04-22T15:46:00.000+08:00

Bless me, Swami, as I struggle to find my way in this difficult time where You have suddenly decided to back away into the distance.

It is very disturbing to come into an office where colleagues shove news of your health conditions in my face. I haven't read today's article on You (heck, You made the front cover of The Star) and I don't plan on reading it either.

My fluctuating level of devotion and disbelief right now is rather alarming. I am surprising even myself at the rate it fluctuates. One day, I am completely convinced You are right here with me, and then the other, I shiver at the thought of not having You with me. Forgive me, Swami, for this mind wanders, unstable and untamed, as it always is.

I understand the pressing need for me to watch the mind, especially now. I'm almost certain I might go completely mad if I do not. So what should I do, Swami? I ask You this question, again and again. I feel like You are trying to give me the answer, but I'm just not listening.

I have blamed and thanked You for everything that has occurred in the past year which has left me completely baffled. My inability to comprehend the 'unfairness', and my disbelief at how things are is what bothers me, day and night. I tried the one-day-at-a-time method, it works sometimes and at others it fails miserably.

I keep telling myself the only thing I need is You, nothing but You, only You. I think that is very true...all I need is You, Swami. Never mind how life turns out, I need to believe that You are here. I believe, Swami. It's so ironic how such a dramatic event has to occur, just when I need answers from You the most. I still don't understand what You need me to do, but I know in the end it's only You that matters. Regardless of what You bring my way.

My dearest, sweetest, Swami..

Please tell me what I can do for You. I will accept anything You give me for my own highest good. You are the only constant in my life, and I know, You know, when I speak to You. Help me feel You, at all times, where ever I may be. You are all I need, Swami.

The last time I wrote about You, I spoke about the experience in meditation after bhajans. You are the world, Swami and the world is You. You are also the world to me. Like the thousands of other people all around the world, I'm done guessing at what I should be doing or how I should be praying. Here's what I can promise You instead.

For my own selfish reasons, I need You, Swami. I always will, there will never be a day where I will not need my Sai. My only prayer, will be that You use my prayer for whatever You think will best benefit from it. You are God, Swami...I know, healing Yourself is not a problem. For some reason, You are not doing it...I won't try to guess or figure out what that reason is. Do as You wish, You're the Boss.

Just promise me, Swami...that You will always, always, always be my Swami.

With all my Love,
Your daughter.

I Am God

2011-04-18T01:10:00.001+08:00

" I don't understand why people are acting up, like He's going to go anytime now. He made a promise, He'll be here till He's 96. So why is everyone overreacting?"

When I first heard this, I got so worked up. I actually said, "You know what, I can't do this right now okay I'm all stressed again. I'll talk to you later."

This was yesterday afternoon, before coming home and writing my last post. Today, there was a 4 hour special bhajan, just for Swami. I love bhajans - completely. At the end of bhajans, we were asked to visualise Swami in the hospital and send our lights of love to him. We were asked to invoke blessings of the devas, for Swami.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't do it. Really, I couldn't wrap my finger around the idea that He is sick, and to help Him get better, or at least, try - we had to invoke the devas. My mind, at that time, had these questions :

Isn't Swami EVERYTHING?
Then shouldn't the devas also be Swami? Why are we asking Swami to cure Swami?
Why are we begging and crying, and feeling sad - as if we are anticipating His early departure, when He's already said, "I will only leave this mortal body at the physical age of 96?"
Why so much..drama?

It's important at the juncture to clearly state that I am not judging anyone's devotion for our Swami, neither am I ridiculing any form of Love for him. This is simply an experience I have had today, that I felt was worth sharing - as my two cents.

So, we sat, and chanted while meditating on His sickly form in the hospital bed. I couldn't bring myself further than imagining myself stand at the gates of the Super Speciality Hospital. This is what transpired after that...either, I was talking to myself, or (this is the option I'd like to believe) Swami was talking to me.

I Am God, I Am God, I Am God...

Swami is not sick, Swami feels no pain, Swami is not just His body...

Swami is everywhere, Swami is the Earth, Swami is the Sky, Swami is the Universe...

Swami holds the burden of the entire world on His shoulders...is the Earth ill? Yes, it is.

If the Earth heals, will Swami heal? Yes, He will...

If I Am Swami, and Swami is Me, and I am just I...I am also the Earth, Universe, Sky, Infinite..

I am on top of the globe, sitting in meditation, sending my entire form of Love and Light to the world..I bathe the world in my light of healing, love, and peace...the Earth is healing...

The Earth heals...Swami heals with the Earth - Swami is the Earth.

I disappeared from the centre hall, the chants ceased to exist in my ears, all I could feel, see and hear was that single vision of me on the globe, but it didn't look like me (or Swami). I just looked like someone sitting in meditation on top of the globe.

Coming back to the first question. He gave us His word...then WHY are we jumping the gun, and coming to our own vague, guessed conclusions?

WHO is Swami?

I think that's a question we must start enquiring, individually, deep within ourselves. Its not a question about moving beyond the form - really, why are we rushing to that point if we know and believe with complete conviction in our Swami's words? Some may say, hey, learn to trust His uncertainty, He can decide at any time to just leave. True. But I think our Love for Him is worth so much more than just an unannounced departure. At least, I believe in that...I believe, with complete faith that my Swami will not just leave without making sure, we're all okay.

I am not sad that my Baba is sick - He is NOT. He is doing something far greater than anything we can ever even try to imagine; I don't even know what it is, but I get this sense that its big.

Again and again, He's reminded us - We are no different from Him . He is Us, We are Him, We are One - That. The healing here, should start within. Cleansing should start from within...watching words, thoughts, deeds..watching our every act - LIVING Swami, BREATHING Swami, BEING Swami. I think, that's where we need to head. We so easily declare, Swami is our LIFE (even I do). But am I LIVING Swami in my life? I hardly think so.

I can feel Him, He's right here. He totally knew when I couldn't do the whole hospital visualisation on Him. Yet, the power of visualisation is immensely strong - and that's probably why He took me elsewhere today.

Again, He has given me an unshakable answer to my previous questions - my Swami lives in my heart, in me. And absolutely nothing will change that.

I have to thank this special person for planting that question in my mind in the first place; none of this introspection would have even begun if not for your persistence and complete blatant honesty with me. You are pushing me closer to Him, in ways you cannot even imagine. Even if you don't see it now, that question itself, to me, is a clear indication of how strong your faith in Him is - it is rock solid. So..thank you, and I love you loads. :)

Just...my personal reflections after today :)

Jai Sai Ram.

Take My Hand Dear Sai, Sathya Sai, My Lord

2011-04-16T21:02:00.002+08:00

Its been a pattern for the past couple of weeks that I spend Friday nights at home, usually up late watching television till 4 or 5 in the morning. Still not sure where this pattern actually came from, but it has been there, nevertheless. I usually end up thinking way too much - and this puts me back in that place I like to call the craphole.

So yesterday, I actually went off to bed rather early. However I woke up two hours later, in sweat and in fear, after a disturbing dream that left me completely spooked. Took another couple of hours before I actually fell asleep again.

This morning, I kind of had to vett through 8 articles written by different people from different countries for the upcoming Zonal Youth Retreat (which I still don't know if I am going for just yet). When I started editing, all I could think of was the immense changes that I had to do to them.

With every article I read, somehow or rather, something stood out to me as Baba's answers to my constant questions, fears, blame, anger...true enough, not specific answers. But enough for me to know, He is here. He is listening.

"...and when I must lead you into a different path than the one you expect, I carry you in My arms..."

Some people are blessed with that ability and Grace to have that closeness and physical presence of Swami all the time. Some can speak to Him, and see Him whenever they want...I know, I can't have either of this. Although I wish I could - it's just not happening. Sometimes if I'm lucky, He comes by for a visit in a dream. Most of the time though, He speaks to me through written words. Maybe that's just the way it is for me.

I do not expect anyone to understand questions I have regarding my faith in Him. Nor do I expect my understanding to suit others. At the end, all that matters is what He means to you, personally. To me, He is my Swami, my Life, my reason for being, living and existing. I will be completely lost without Swami, the only constant in my life.

I wonder, everyday, what He is teaching me in the experiences I am facing now. Am I resisting something, or am I just not seeing the bigger picture? So easy, so simple the message of Surrender is...its the hardest thing in the world to do!

My favourite video to watch, when I want to see Him suddenly out of the blue.

Maybe that's my destination - complete Surrender. The struggles I have to face now to get there, is probably the lessons I need to learn from and keep learning, till I get it right.

Let Me

2011-04-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

Let me stop feeling.

Let me just close my eyes, and stop feeling. Anything.

Let me just be.

Let me just forget. And be.

For My Swami

2011-04-14T23:53:00.001+08:00

Today, I spent almost 6 hours at the yagna that was conducted in Bangsar Centre, for my Swami.

I still wonder, and struggle to grasp this idea of divinity that I understand to be beyond the form, yet - all this prayers being conducted for Swami's improvement in the physical body bewilders me. Swami is God, yes? Then...how can we pray to God to help to cure God? Its praying to Himself to cure Himself.

Then I thought about this...Swami tells us all, we are God. When we pray to Him to make things right, we believe that He will make it right. But if we are Him, and He is us, then technically - we are still praying to Himself to cure Himself. OR...we can say we're praying to ourselves to cure ourselves.

Makes sense?

I have a simple conclusion after today's prayers. My Baba is in my heart; that is His home. When I pray, I ask for Him to always be with me and not to leave me lost, as there is still tons that I have to learn. I need Him to hold my hand through it all...if He's planning to be sick for reasons beyond my comprehension, I pray He gives me the strength and wisdom to understand the bigger picture and remember that He is with me regardless.

My Swami.

Happy Birthday Apapa

2011-04-14T00:34:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday, Apapa.

New Year's was always an extravagant affair in the family because of you. I'll never forget 14th April, not just because its the start of the New Year - also because it's your birthday.

From the minute we arrive in Klang, just before lunch - I can already smell your cooking from the front door. Apachi opens the doors for us all the time, and you are busy working your magic in the kitchen. Its a feast, it always is...there's rasam, and vegetarian chicken curry, tahu curry, vegetarian mutton perattal, all kinds of vegetable, sothi, fried potato perattal, kesari, payasam..it goes on and on and on.

We'd walk in and run to the back of the house, to see you in your space, cooking something delicious. After that brief hug, you'd shoo us away to the hall to watch TV or just talk to Apachi and everyone else while you continue to prepare lunch for us.

And then, lunch is ready.

All the food is laid out on the dining table for us to take and eat at will. I always noticed you'd make us all take our food first, before taking your own plate. We'd sit together, at the table and later moving to the front of the television when we take our seconds. One plate was never enough!

Then you'd cut us some fruit, and hand us some special chocolates that you would have bought and kept away for us like you always do. We'd be resting in the hall, talking and reading the papers, and attending to those random guests that used to come over; usually your old friends or Papa's old schoolmates.

Teatime was when Apachi would make her famously delicious drinks for us, with the kuih to accompany it. I remember cutting small cakes for you.

I'll never forget that contented smile you always had, after this day comes to an end. I'm so glad, that I was so blessed to have been your granddaughter. Your immense love for the family was what kept us all together, Apapa. There will be nothing like New Year's in Klang.

For you, I promise to uphold and follow the traditions you have continuously practiced till it was time for you to see Swami again.

Happy Birthday, Apapa. And a very Happy New Year :)

Facebook Depresses Me

2011-04-12T15:07:00.000+08:00

Facebook. Depresses. Me.

Its got news of everybody's almost prefect lives on it, swimming right in front of my eyes. Everytime I feel like I am getting back on track of being grateful for that little bit of happiness I have - it just blows in my face.

I don't want to see things I can't have. I don't want to see it being rubbed in my face, the happiness just oozing from posts about life, about being engaged, getting married...I am happy for them, but I'm also at this spot where I just don't give a shit, and I hate the fact that I can't have it.

I'm not logging into Facebook for a while. I'm going to ignore Facebook and all other social media apart from this blog.

Time to Bhangra

2011-04-12T14:47:00.000+08:00

Two awesome videos.Like super awesome.

England

2011-04-11T20:37:00.000+08:00

My very first trip on an airplane, flying almost 13 hours away from home - was to England, in 1995. I vaguely remember this trip, its a collection of many short memories all bundled into one long one.

I suppose my childhood was something quite out of the ordinary.

Eastbourne set the stage for the very first International Children's Conference on the Environment. I remember, being cold - it was October. My family came along, it was somewhat a vacation once the conference was over; we spent almost 2 months with my uncle's family in London.

Anyway, back to Eastbourne. We had this budget accomodation, small hotel place by the quayside. What I remember from this hotel stay is just excitement from having a 24 hour cartoon channel (Cartoon Network), two interconnecting rooms, and having to celebrate Deepavali in a foreign country with murukku that my mother had packed from home. There was one day where my sister and I had accidentally locked ourselves out of our room, and had to walk down to the reception, barefoot, to sheepishly ask for assistance.

The conference itself was of its own class. But this isn't about the conference, so I'll skip that bit for now.

The time spent in London was my first brush with what living in a foreign country would ever be like.

Walking around my uncle's neighbourhood, it was as if I was living in some movie. I remember, candidly, constantly using face paints and coming up with silly ideas for themed nights when we were there. My cousin, sister and myself would play dress up for the adults. We tried everything - when Halloween came, I had my first ever (and probably last) experience of trick-or-treat. What fun it was, to be dressed as a vampire, walking from door to door yelling "TRICK OR TREAT!"...coming home with a bag filled with goodies. Yum.

Because I had attended that conference, my cousin made me speak to her 1st grade class at her primary school (I think I was her Show And Tell). Funnily enough, I remember walking down lovely lanes lined with pine trees and falling leaves, almost like a scene from Harry Potter actually. What I spoke to the class in the end, I haven't a clue.

There were some incredibly beautiful places that we saw. Sadly, I can't really remember much of them.

Then, there was France. That was another bridged holiday - we took a coach to France, and stayed with relatives in Paris.

Yes, I've seen the Eiffel Tower. Heck, I've climbed the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

That's another story though. Would I ever want to go back there? Yes..I suppose I do.

Life is a Lie, Truth is a Lie

2011-04-10T14:46:00.001+08:00

Not surprised that all plans went completely opposite to what I figured it would be in the first place.

Life, unexpected.

The most intriguing words I read out of a passage today was simply,"Apart, we were able to see with even greater clarity that we didn't want to be without each other."

Experiences teach us so much about ourselves. It forces us to look in places we never dared go before, or question - it forces us to face the demons that we usually acknowledge exist in harmony with ourselves (disturbing, but true), and question its very existence.

Still...as far as we try to reason, to understand, and to clear doubts and provide comforting answers for the unknown possibilities that lie ahead - its still just not done. What is the point of it all, anyway? You say don't question, just go with the flow. At other times you say, ask and seek for the answers. So where does the line need to be drawn then?

Its a mystery that constantly causes that restlessness that I feel within, causing me to retract even further to search for what I am yearning for - that which I do not know. Good or bad, I can't say. A battle it is, most definitely. Unfair, Fair, Just, Unjust.

One thing's for sure - Don't judge my journey because you're not walking the path I'm taking.

Life is a Lie, Truth is a Lie.

Sounds blasphemous. But it intrigues me.

Reminiscing Strawberries

2011-04-09T12:40:00.001+08:00

I missed Mackers brekkie by one freaking minute. ONE! Frustrating, yes.

Settling for the mamak wasn't exactly the best option, but Patti Smith's bestseller saved it from being a total disaster. I was suddenly reminded of the day Across the Universe fell into my lap, and how I watched it so intently (following the very-numb-detachment from one certain relationship in life a few years ago). Something about the message that it conveyed, it just jived with the current state of emotion and being that I was experiecing.

This, is one of the best potrayals of a heartbreak I have come close to seeing - its focus and attention on art, and how abstract life can really be just blew me away. Strawberries! Who would've thought of that? A real genius.

This movie inspired me to express myself freely, regardless of how I felt. What good would it do to bottle it all up, and take it out on someone else? I resorted to art - painting, music, writing...whatever I could get my hands on. Of course, painting wasn't exactly my forte, but I did come up with one or two good ones.

I found an outlet for expression. That was good enough for me.

My idea of a perfect weekend is usually filled with things I'd never find time to do (nothing special here, I think everybody's weekend dreams are almost the same). Usually, I end up doing none of the many thoughts that fill my ridiculous mind. No surprise there either.

I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter how you plan your day - if its not meant to be, then its just not freaking meant to be.

List

2011-04-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

I want to travel the world. I want to see Athens, and Rome and Ibiza.
I want to study again, somewhere exotic, where I can experience culture and life that is completely unlike Malaysia.
I want to buy a damn big house.
I want to buy a car, of my own - definitely a Mini Cooper. Someday, hopefully. When I can afford it.
I want to go to Bali and meet that medicine man.
I want a job that will give me immense satisfaction.
I want to smile everyday.

This list gets longer.

Thought Projections - 2012

2011-03-19T20:24:00.001+08:00

If the world is really coming to an end in less than a year, there's really nothing much that we can do about it now.

Or is there?

After Christchurch, and a range of other cities around the world, the latest today was Japan - 8.9 on the Richter scale, with Tsunami waves and aftershocks. As we sit in our living rooms, watching devastating news from CNN, BBC and other channels, the only thoughts that come to mind would probably be -

1. Oh My God!

2. That's terrible, look at that..my God, that's terrible.

3. God bless the people of that country

Along those lines..at least, that's whats happening here at home right now.

We've all heard of The Secret, Positive Thinking, The Power of Thoughts, the Law of Attraction...Some of us agree with it, some of us may think its complete bullshit. However, there has been pretty solid evidence in the lives of people who are actually practising these methods - things have happened for the best in their lives, simply by exercising control over their thoughts (in other words, control over their minds).

We have to understand that the mind and the brain are two different things altogether -

The mind is a cauldron of Sankalpas (Thought) and Vikalpas (Absence of thought). It is a conglomeration of thoughts of various kinds. Sometimes when the thoughts become exciting, it gets upset and throws itself into grief. But in truth, it is just a bundle of thoughts. Just as many threads are spun together to make up a cloth, so also many thoughts make the mind. No thought, no mind either.

-Master the Mind and be a Mastermind, compiled from Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba's Divine Discourses

I am far from understanding the ways of the mind, but what I do understand so far is what we think, is what we get; What you think, is what you become. The world is but a projection of our thoughts. This devastation that we see around us, inertly exists somewhere within us.

So can we make a difference now?

If thoughts, positive thinking and thought vibrations are so powerful, then the energy derived from a collective thought will surely, make an incredible difference. That's why when we pray collectively, we feel some sort of energy surge. The vibrations from singing a bhajan with many people is quite different from singing it alone, defintely. What is important is the intention and the bhava in which the prayer is offered.

So here's a thought :

Instead of repeating thoughts on the devastating events that have occured, and discussing it with so much of intensity over breakfast and teh tarik, if we could just, try to send to all countries affected and their people, streams of positive thoughts and Love, through a simple prayer when we say our own prayers each day (irrespective of religion; or no religion at all - a prayer is merely a conversation with God, the Universe, the Ultimate Truth, whichever suits you best), the collective energy derived from all these thoughts will, surely, make some sort of a difference.

Simply by exercising some control over our thoughts; by watching them closely and being aware of what we are thinking, we may be able to do something for others. Selflessly.

I do not know what difference it will make; however, I am aware that a difference can be made.

In the manner in which I speak to Him, I ask for Love and Peace to envelope all countries that are enduring the wrath of Nature, simply a reflection of what is within us. I ask for calm and serenity to soothe the fears and tears of those who are affected. I ask for Love, Love, Love to be showered without reservations on all people, everywhere.

Samastha Loka Sukhino Bhavantu.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti :

May All Beings in All Worlds Be Happy.Om Peace, Peace, Peace.

Just my two cents.

It's Always Easy To Paint A Pretty Picture - Part 1

2011-03-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

We never wash our dirty linen in public.

Question is, was that ever the right statement to follow?

Over a random conversation one day, a friend mentioned that she overheard a child say, " I'm the oldest boy in my class. I feel like a paedophile."
This boy is probably, ten or eleven?

It came as a complete shock to know that children can use this word so casually without even knowing (or knowing without understanding) what it means.

Lives of children have been destroyed, tortured, and completely corrupted because of people who carry this 'designated' title, as given by the Oxford Dictionary.

Child sexual offenders, sex abuse, sexual terrors - who would have even imagined that such things could happen to children, beings that we see as lights of God, the lights of Joy, bundles of happiness, innocence and love?

Most of the time, the offender happens to be someone very close to the child, a close relative, a parent, a close friend, etc. Putting a child in such a position, where there is fear of what may happen if the story got out - that's what kills the child. The emotional abuse, the physical abuse, the psychological effects on the child...the feeling of being left, used, touched, and being constantly dirty...this is what destroys the child. So its always easier to just paint a pretty picture.

Why, one wonders? How is it possible that it is a sleeping tiger in man, this feeling of insatiable sexual desire for children? Can it be deeply embedded in the depths of one's subconcious mind, only stirring at a trigger of some significantly disturbing event that occurs at some point of life?

At one point in life, I was adamantly for the verdict of the death penalty for paedophiles. Yes, I think they deserve to be hung to death, or strapped to the chair for all the destruction caused in a person's entire life, just for their disturbing pleasures and satisfaction. I remember writing essays on this in university, clearly outlining my thoughts, backed by quotations from various sociologists and doctors, stating only the bad that happens to the victim. I mean, really, have you ever heard of one child, any child, who has been subjected to sexual abuse say, "Yes, that experience totally gave me a fantastic outlook on life!"?

Let's go back a few decades.

Its a known practice, a tradition in various civilizations to marry off young girls, some barely 13, to men who are almost twice their age. Why? How did this even begin? My little understanding and reasoning for this - after thinking about it, solely on my own, no references made or looked up - the primary role of a woman has always been, simply, to bear children and look after the family's needs AND satisfy her husband's needs. It doesn't matter how old the woman is, as long as she reaches puberty, she is a woman and no longer a child. So long as she fulfills these roles, her life's purpose is achieved.

Is there a possibility that old habits die hard? I'm beginning to think that it may have been passed down, generation to generation through the transfer of genetic information. Again, just a thought from me, and no one else, definitely requires more reading to be verified.

It's always easy to paint a pretty picture. In reality, we must understand that a simple action we do can save a child's future, and possibly his/her entire life. Stand up for things that matter...don't just shun it, or pretend it doesn't exist simply because it isn't something we are used to talking about, or discussing. It's happening, and it's as real as it gets.

Logic vs Faith

2011-02-27T22:33:00.002+08:00

Logically, things can seem impossible most of the time. Logically speaking.

Regardless of logic and the ways our minds have been trained to think and function from the time we were born, there is something that runs deeper than just plain logic - and that's the heart, and everything that surrounds it. Despite the common belief that listening to the heart is prominently an emotionally driven decision making process, it is in fact, the very voice of your inner Self, the very Atma, the soul, the connection that we have to the entire Cosmos, Universe, God...whichever you wish to call it.

It can be plain intuition - or just a gut feeling,

Every moment I find myself reflecting on the current state of things, my heart (or is it my mind?) keeps going back to the story of this wife whose husband was involved in a horrific car accident. The accident had left him completely lifeless, in a coma, with only his brain functioning. Doctors had given up all hope of recovery, regretfully breaking the news to the poor wife that it may be time to start informing close friends and family. Life support can only go on for so long, they said.

The wife, a fighter she was. She absolutely refused to believe that this was it, this was the end. Her firm faith in Jesus led her to only believe one thing - that her husband will be completely cured. Everyday, she read verses from the bible to him. Everyday, she prayed ...she filled his hospital room with flowers, and positive sayings, phrases and verses. She'd read to him stories of unimaginable courage and faith. She would repeat Jesus's name in his ear, telling him he was not alone, that Jesus was always with him, guiding him...still holding his hand.

It took more than just a few months - it took years.

He recovered.
I guess what I've learnt from this is...whatever may happen, when the impossible seems absolutely impossible, we must always, always remember, that there is a higher force that operates above our level of understanding and logic. If Love can move mountains, then Love and Faith can create miracles.

It doesn't always have to be logical.

Faith, Love,..and constant connection to Him. That's the solution. Things will turn around for sure.

The only question is, how long are you willing to endure the test?

There's a beautiful rainbow being painted right now for you to follow to the other side for that pot of gold. Take that risk, hold His hand...and just let Him take you where He knows you will be happy.

Living You in Every Breath of Mine

2011-02-18T15:34:00.000+08:00

This is why we were in Parthi.

It was a week of Love, learning, reflections and introspection. Big words, but nevertheless, it made a lot of sense to me.

The biggest miracle itself, was being there. I suppose the greatest lesson learnt was to detach from His form, and look within for Him, instead of trying to talk to Him from a shoe box or through books and random thoughts.

Controlling thoughts, controlling the senses, controlling the mind...all the things Swami's said, I will try as hard as I can to do. My past three attempts to get off the bed at 530am, 6am, 630am (to meditate) have all failed miserably. But I'm desperate to hear Him speak to me...so a little bit more discipline and devotion is needed here.

I just need to know, that I'm doing what You want me to do. And not otherwise. Its so hard to not be able to understand what You want me to do...naturally, yes, I envy those who have that rare proximity with You. Shamelessly, I'll admit that. I wish I was there too. You say You are here with me always, yet I'm still struggling to find You, Swami. Why? What is it that I am not doing?

Faith. Love. Swami.

That's all I'm holding on to.

Parthi

2011-02-01T19:05:00.000+08:00

Its been one hell of an interesting month (I could be more dramatic).

Its funny....the last time (and first) I was in Parthi, the month before traveling was pure hell. It was so difficult, I could not understand what was happening at all...but being Home, with Him, it just made everything else pale in comparison.

Interestingly enough, my pre-trip difficulties have reached a level that I cannot even comprehend. Its been so bloody tough..there have been tears, pain,anger, jealousy and just complete stress.

I'm just waiting for next week.

Swami.

Some Collections

2011-01-28T15:06:00.002+08:00

I escape to a different world behind the camera. Something about photography that keeps me focused, tuned, and detached from chaos.

Here's just some shots I've taken here and there.

Chai Stories - A Preview

2011-01-27T14:41:00.000+08:00

I met my best friend for life over a cup of chai, almost accidentally, coincidentally..fated, if I want to be drastic.

In the pouring rain under the Appam stalls noisy zinc roof, we sat there, huddled at a table clutching our hot cups of tea, staring blankly out at the raindrops as they landed on the cars outside.

We looked at each other, and burst out laughing suddenly -don't ask why. It just happens sometimes.

And as we sat there, suddenly out came stories of pain, tears and defeat that we had been keeping to ourselves for the longest time, not knowing if anyone else would understand the feeling. As we shared our experiences, we suddenly realised that they were almost 90% alike - only they happened at different times, involving different people.

Thus formed a bond that can't really be explained by words. It brings a smile to my face, knowing that so much can be shared and realised over a simple cup of tea.

Chai stories..lots more to come.

Pesto Haven

2011-01-27T10:59:00.000+08:00

Thank God for salary today..

I can finally, finally, sit down to a lovely meal of my favourite pesto. There's something about pesto that makes me just melt with comfort and joy.

Totally makes my day.

Can't wait!

Missing You.

2010-12-06T11:02:00.000+08:00

Its so difficult to comprehend the direction life takes us. Is it because 'that' is something beyond comprehension of the human mind? And if all of us are in fact, manifestations of divinity, then it is only right to assume that one day, we will probably be able to understand everything, as it is.

Why did she have to go?

Its a question I will never be able to answer. But..I suppose, what I do know, is that I will never forget or let go of the memories, and the time we have had together.

Akka,
The very last time I saw you before you left was at dinner a week before the landslide. I still regret not making it earlier- I was sleeping (I know, at 8pm) while all of you were eating! But I'm glad I dragged myself out of bed. I still remember, you were wearing this orange punjabi suit, and you'd just done your hair. You looked so beautiful that day, you really did.

We were talking about work, my first ever real job. And about why I was still not seeing anyone yet :)

The very last words you said to me when I hugged and kissed you goodnight was a compliment - you told me I'd put on some weight, and that you were happy about it. I remember smiling and giving you another hug.

And then, you left.

The whole world was spinning around me when the doctor informed us of your passing at the hospital. I couldn't accept what she had just said...we had rushed to GH with the notion of finding all of you safe in mind...certainly were not prepared for what she said.

You left...beautiful memories, strength and courage, lots of Love and lots of faith.

Although I will never be free of this pain that I feel whenever this time of the year comes around, I know that you are some place that I would want to be in the future - safe, in His hands, watching over all of us vigilantly.
I pray for your Love and guidance, always.

Rest In Peace, my dearest Yoges akka. I love you.

Glimpses of the Leprosarium

2010-11-26T13:11:00.000+08:00

I just wish..

2010-11-21T22:34:00.002+08:00

Yes, I wish it was easier. I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could change the way it all just is.

I wish I could make it all better, I wish just being positive was enough, I wish I could find a solution that made sense.

I wish I could fix it, I wish I could bring it all back, I wish I could just make it fine.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could create a whole new world with all the possibilities you dream of.

I wish.

I just wish I knew, what it is that I could do, to make your wish come true.

He's watching over you, I know He is. And my faith will not waver, even if it gets so tough, that giving up becomes an option. For now all I can give is just that - my thoughts, my words, my love.

Even if it's not enough...I pray it is just enough to make you smile, and remember..it will all be okay.

Whatever it takes..I'll do.

The M Word

2010-11-19T21:27:00.002+08:00

Personally, I think its been a good start to the weekend - a day out of office, spent searching and sourcing for photos and relevant documents for some new projects coming up.

I had the rare luxury of having breakfast at home, something that doesn't come easily nowadays. Just sitting down to a cup of coffee, with some toast and the telly in the morning really kicks starts the day.

That is, until the mother decides to pop the M word question.

" So....when are you planning to get MARRIED?"

*Silence follows, with the telly still on*

" Yesterday Periappa was telling us to start introducing you to some nice boys."

*Continued silence*

She rattles on for a while, and I continue to ignore her, although I was technically listening. After about five minutes, I looked at her and said, " Ma, when the time is right, I'll introduce you to someone I want to marry."

Its just struck me, that I am actually 25 (going on 26), and yes, marriage is a perfectly acceptable question and scenario that I just have to deal with. Though Amma was quick to add that marriage is not "everything", it still left me with the impression that she's actually already thinking about it.

Which means, she'll keep thinking about it till I do something about it.

And frankly speaking, I'm not too sure what I want to do about it right now.

The End.

Missing the Passion

2010-11-17T10:39:00.003+08:00

Realised that I miss the rush of photography.

Some pictures I took at Janda Baik, Swami's House.

Jealousy

2010-11-14T13:33:00.004+08:00

Dear Jealousy,

You were missing for a long (LONG) time. I can't say I missed you, because truthfully, I really did not. I find it hard to believe that you have suddenly resurfaced in my life again, and for the silliest reasons at that.

I'm trying to understand what you are hoping to achieve by being around. Am I supposed to harbour ill feelings and dissatisfaction, and insecurity? Am I supposed to feel resentment, probably a little bit a anger/frustration, and disturbing thoughts?

Can I point out here that I am not comfortable with feeling any of the above?

I suppose, you never really left - you were probably just hanging around silently in the background, waiting for the right moment to pop up again. Honestly speaking, maybe you serve a purpose in my life. If you were not here, I would probably not have recognised the need to NOT have you around.

So...here goes.

I'm sorry for feeling so much of resentment for you, because I know you are just here to help me overcome something I need to deal with.

Please forgive me for cursing and being frustrated for no reason.

I thank you for being in my life and allowing me to realise and acknowledge that I have to work on some issues.

I love you.

Deepavali, Diwali, Deeps, what else?

2010-11-06T12:02:00.002+08:00

Its that time of the year again where murukku and mutton varuval steal the limelight in almost every Indian home. Unless of course, they're staunch vegetarians.

For the first time in years, I actually did not visit any of the carnivals to do shopping. There was a point in time where I believed (sadly I had a distorted sense of reality) that Deepavali would not be complete unless I graced each and every carnival location, ie. Brickfields, Klang and Masjid India.

The loud music, colours and smell of cookies totally fascinated me. That was then, though.

Now I'd rather stay at home, far away from the crowds and noise and macha's who hang around with in large packs with their helmets hanging from their belts like some gigantic accesory.

I didn't feel the least bit excited about Deepavali this year. When Amma suggested we head down to Malacca to celebrate with my aunt and her family, I was pretty glad. So this year, we're in the historical city of Malacca, celebrating with the Visvananthans'.

It was awesome; I loved the chilled, relaxed, and occasional kitchen stress!

Photos to come soon. Happy Deepavali!

Much Love.

Walking For Values

2010-09-10T12:02:00.004+08:00

What Merdeka Means To Me

2010-08-30T15:09:00.003+08:00

When I was 12, I remember sitting in the school hall in BBGS, with a host of my friends, holding flags in our hands. We sang our hearts out rendering "Tanggal 31", while waving our flags in unison, with proud, happy smiles plastered all over our faces.

If I were to go back in time, and take a photograph of that scene, you would have seen a row of kids, irrespective of race, standing next to each other happily waving the Malaysian flag, with so much of love for Malaysia.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again - my first lessons in being Malaysian begin in primary school.

I remember Raya Open Houses at Shazna's. Every year, her mother would make the most delicious Laksa Johor, and she'd remember to make extra vegetarian dishes, just in case I were to say I'm vegetarian for the day. We'd sit at her living room, all dressed in special Raya baju's we had made, munching away at the yummy kuih raya while chatting away about all kinds of things.

I learnt how to use chopsticks from Yi Wen in Standard 4. It was the most excruciating task for her to do, but she patiently taught me every single day during recess for almost two weeks. I'd buy myself a plate of mee hoon or kuey teow, and she'd chuck my fork and spoon away, substituting it for chopsticks. To finish that one plate would take me more than the 20 minute break we had for recess. Without fail, 5 minutes before the bell rang, she'd grab the chopsticks out of my hand and start feeding me my food, to make sure I ate it all up! (You can see how slow I was at learning how to use chopsticks).

My deskmate for the longest time was Debbie Teh Sue-Jian, or more fondly known as Deb/Tabby Cat/ Debster to me. She kept me sane during the crazy times in school where I would insist on climbing a tree, or playing football instead of netball, or simply, not finishing my homework. We shared dreams, stories and our lives - and we stood up for each other, through thick and thin.

I remember sitting around in a circle with Charmian, Nurul Ain, Debbie and Shamani discussing the birds and the bees once. It amazes me now how matured we were even then, in Standard 5, when we talked about this. There wasn't once where we said "EEEE" or giggled away with no substance in the conversation.

We would stay over at each others houses for the weekends, and hang out at the malls (under the watchful eyes of somebody's parents), doing things kids those days do - playing video games, having McDonald's, and looking for storybooks.

When our Muslim friends fasted, we would skip recess to keep them company. If there was beef in any food at a party, my friends would taste the food in advance to ensure their Hindu friends do not accidentally consume it.

If any sort of racial slur was used, knowingly or unknowingly, we would all rise to condemn such actions, regardless of who said it.

I never felt a racial separation between any of us, for that matter. To me, this is what being Malaysian really is - to see that we are all just the same, and the color that apparently separates us, is just the thing that brings us together.

Merdeka, to me, is the celebration of this beautiful bond we share - regardless of our backgrounds. It is coated with the understanding and love for each other, that has been embedded in us.

It is, not the combination of many that we need to strive for - this in itself is a statement that blatantly points out the difference that exist ; rather, it is the realisation of oneness that we should constantly be aware of.

My Merdeka Wish for this year - for Malaysians to realise the beautiful bond of oneness we all share, regardless of what others think.

*I dedicate this post to all my BBGS girls, who truly make me, Malaysian.

Red Nail Polish and Looking Twice and Just Being

2010-08-27T14:35:00.003+08:00

I would look twice. Maybe three times!

And red, just not my colour. Something lighter.

She's someone who thinks with her heart, and not so much with her head. Emotions play a very important role in her character, and the trick, is to find a way to balance the emotions with words and still maintain a calm outlook.

And she's just realised, that love, can just be.

There is no need for a reason to love...love just is.

If there can be just a smile, and a heartfelt laugh..it makes everything, simply, worth it.

Here's to all the joy that this love brings..and all the smiles, and immense satisfaction that is derived from just loving, with no reason.

I read somewhere that true love stories never have endings.

I think that's true in many ways.

Challenge #1

2010-08-22T01:39:00.003+08:00

He snapped today, for the first time.

It gave me a shock, and left me a little sad. After that much spent on being positive and happy around him, it was a complete shock to see a completely opposite reaction coming from him. Of course, its completely understandable. But.. still.

It made me think about the whole idea of being 100% positive, what it meant and how I was going to keep at it. I think this is my challenge No.1 - when life challenges the very belief you chose to follow, just to see how well you keep at it. Its a game, and it gets tiring sometimes. Why does it have to be a chase, a pursuit?

What's my purpose then?

Freedom, Me.

2010-08-20T15:06:00.003+08:00

A magnificent week of learning.

Its amazing how one switch in mindset creates an entire new universe for a person. A conscious decision to aspire to be 100% positive led to many beautiful changes in life.

1. Looking for the greener side of the grass, regardless.

There's always two sides of the coin. From accepting the time spent in traffic jams as a blessing to reflect on things, to understanding that its okay to be confused, learning to keep a positive outlook has helped to create a happy, vibrant and amazingly calm environment to work and relax in.

2. Your smile makes it matter

Finding the time and making the effort and share what was learnt gave an amazing boost of energy and filled the heart with a feeling - Love, in its purest form. Its the kind where we don't expect anything in return; and only wish for the best for the other person. That one smile, speaks a thousand words all at a go. It spells out all that you wish to say, in one simple gesture.

The satisfaction that comes out of that is beyond comparison.

3. I am the Tree

Unruffled, in the state of just Being. Stationary, strong and grounded. Rooted firmly. Just being..as it is, one with all around.

To be the tree is achievable. Taking yourself out of the I, and becoming That - observing from a third party, allows a lot of unbiased views to flow. Its incredible.

4. Just Be

Simply, just Being. Its an awesome feeling.

Try It ;)

I Am

2010-08-16T15:30:00.001+08:00

" I am the Dance Master

I am Nataraja, Prince of Dancers

You are all my pupils

I alone know the agony of teaching you

Each step in the Dance"

- Baba

One of those damn days

2010-08-10T16:37:00.000+08:00

It always surprises me how one day can just go completely topsy turvy, totally out of the flow that you either :

a. plan

b. try to plan

c. expect

d. expect to expect

Of course, I'm pretty much in the process of realising that your thoughts create the situations and circumstances that happen around you. But to come to think of it, I started the day pretty well off - so what the hell happened?

One meeting in the morning that didn't go just as well as I would have wanted it to have been. I didn't actually go in with pre-conceived thoughts. Is that good or bad? It's not a good idea to EXPECT, but at the same time...visualising what you want as an end result is also a good idea isn't it?

This is the point where two completely opposite thoughts collide, and you would rather be unruffled, in the middle.

Back to the office block.

It's just me, I suppose. Work is, well, work. I read somewhere that we shouldn't work - PLAY.

When things seem like you hate everything, EVERYTHING related to something ; then you shouldn't be doing it.

Work should be play. Right? Enjoy doing something, results are better, the drive is stronger, the passion will fuel it in the right direction.

A lonesome lunch, again.

A good friend told me I'm really such a loser, having lunch/breakfast on my own.

Personally, I don't mind it much. I actually kind of like sitting on my own, and spending time with myself. Its those rare occasions where your self gets some peace and quiet, and you can enjoy sipping a cup of coffee, while reading a good magazine/book. Alternatively, I just get lost in the whole experience of eating.

Unfortunately, my lunch escapade today was bloody crappy - had some very loud people sitting right behind me, screaming into their mobile phones at the top of their voices. It annoyed me. A Lot.

So there goes my so-called escape from 'reality'.

Here's to wishing my day(or night) gets better. Remotely.

Bah.

The (Non) Existence of Karma

2010-07-23T16:14:00.000+08:00

My response to Kandha's status on Facebook on the non-existence of Karma.

Karma simply means, action.
So...in that sense right, i think karma has to exist. :)

Actions are everything that we do - all that we do is karma. About 'paying for past actions in this birth' and etc, this is what i understand so far.

We are not the body -we are that eternal Soul. The Atma. Only problem is, because we identify ourselves with the body, and not the Soul, everything we do becomes focused on the physical world we live in. The Soul has a journey - back to where we come from, from Him. Brahman, in the context of Hinduism, or Consciousness, or the Universe, etc. We are all part of a bigger picture - THAT, which is I. Like it says, Tat Twam Asi - I am That.

The journey back to That (which is I), is not complicated, nor too simple. I like to think of it as a journey where your consciousness increases step by step. The very fact that you are asking these questions means that you're already aware of a higher purpose!

Everything we do, has a reaction. So when there is karma (action), there is an equal reaction. When are where it happens, all depends on when the conditions are right for it to happen. Even a thought, has a reaction.

When we understand (here's the keyword = understand) that all actions (karma) have reactions to it, two things can happen.

1. We use it to our advantage the wrong way , ie.what you said about being selfish and thinking that if we do bad things, bad things happen, so we just do good so good things happen.

But this doesnt work you see, because the intention with which you do good isnt aligned with your thoughts and deeds.

2. When we understand that action results in reaction, we use our Buddhi (Intellect) and discrimination to THINK before acting. Here's where Thought, Word and Deed are in harmony - so if we are doing something good, we really feel that we are doing good for the right reasons, and we don't worry about the outcome after its done.

There is a point where Karma ceases to exist ; when there is no action.

When is there no action? When we realise (like how many souls have reached that state of enlightenment) that we are One with the Divine, and there is no need to be attached to this worldly state any longer.

When we realise that we are the Soul, and not this body.

But realisation is different from knowing :) And thats where we all are...in that journey towards realisation, from the knowing.

:)

Darshi and Haanu's Great Australian Escapade ~Day 2 & 3

2010-06-17T19:38:00.001+08:00

Day 2 - Millpoint ; Bell Tower by Swan River ; Perth City

It was bright and sunny outside, perfect weather for walking around and snapping tons of shots. Ashi took us to Millpoint, by the river where we get a gorgeous view of the city. We took lovely shots, and then hopped on a ferry bound for Perth city. We got off at the Swan River, and took more shots at the Bell Tower and places around it. It was about 4pm already, so we had just enough time to look around the city for a bit, and head back home. By the way, everything gets dark by 530pm, so everyone just disappears! Plus, their streetlights are rather dim...wouldn't want to be walking around in the dark.

Day 3 - University of Western Australia ; Matilda Bay, North Perth

Today we spent the afternoon with Audrey, my cousin. We met her at UWA, after figuring out the bus routes from Ashi's place! She took us to have some delicious coffee and pastry at this nice cute little french cafe around UWA. Then of course, knowing the two of us - we headed to Matilda Bay to take tons and tons of photographs! Its a beautiful place, Perth. Audz had fun pointing out the different bird species to us, I never knew she liked birds!

We walked around campus grounds for a bit. UWA is such a beautiful campus; its about 100 odd years old. All the faculties look like buildings out of some ancient time, like from Harry Potter. It even has a Pool of Reflection! How cool is that. You can sit here and reflect on your thoughts.

If we were to do photography here full time, I think we'd use UWA in a lot of our shoots. Its simply perfect.

The weather is beautiful, not too cold, not too hot - its about 15degrees outside. However, it does colder during the night. Tonight we are headed to Githa akka's house, and then a whole new day awaits. Hopefully I can catch some football tonight!

My friend Chuck, at Matilda Bay :)

Matilda Bay

Matilda Bay.

UWA campus grounds.

UWA.

Pool of Reflection, UWA

Darshi and Haanu's Great Australian Escapade ~ We're in Perth!!!

2010-06-15T07:48:00.000+08:00

After an entire year of planning(vaguely) and dreaming (vividly) of this breakaway from reality, we are finally, FINALLY where we wanted to be - in Perth, holidaying and having the time of our lives. At least, its just started!

A whirlwind of activities happened the day we left, including last minute packing and the unfortunate disappearance of my IXUS camera charger. Anyway, we left KL at around 11.50pm, hoping to sleep like babies on board Air Asia X bound to Perth. Fat hopes. I got off the plane 5 hours later, vowing never to take AirAsia for any flight longer than 4 hours.

For some reason, customs took special interest in us ; we had a 'special' line and a roll of questions about our travels. But all went well, all we packed were clothes and the cameras!

Reuben and Ashi picked us up - seeing Reubz after 6 years!! Being lifted into the air with a bear hug at 630am in the morning (a beautiful 15degrees outside) was an awesome welcome. So here we are, snuggled in bed at Ashi's house, hoping to head out to see Perth City later in the afternoon.

Here's to the next two weeks!

Haanu : Ashi, if I drool on your electric blanket, will I get electrocuted?

Ashi : I don't know, you can try and see!

Haanu hogging the bed at 6.45am

Melawis Memories ~ 2

2010-03-29T16:56:00.000+08:00

Sometime in 1993..

Melawis, Klang.

" But I want to! I'm old enough...I'm in Standard 2 now!"

That's me, by the way.

I stood there, determined to get my way as I looked up at my grandfather with a straight face. My hands were firmly placed on my waist, and I was already wearing my new shoes (the one's with little red lights on the back).

Apapa looked down at me thoughtfully. He was both amused and annoyed at the same time, I could just tell from his face. He sighed, and sat down on his chair at the verandah.

I stood there, I wasn't giving up on this one.

"Its not safe, Darshana, " he said.

"But its just there, Apapa. So near! I know the way by heart. I won't get lost! And I have a watch, I'll be back in 10 minutes I know, " I argued with him.

He wasn't convinced.

Time to change my game plan.

I walked up to him and put my hands on his arms.

"Pleeeassseee Apapa. Pleaaaaaaseee," I said, with a sad puppy dog face.

My grandfather took one long look at me. He smiled, and picked me up in his arms and placed me in his lap.

"So you're a big girl now. Okay...you can go. As long as I get a chocolate too."

My eyes lit up in joy when he said that. I gave him a big hug and a kiss, and ran to my father to tell him, rather proudly, that I've just been given permission to walk to the sundry shop on my own to buy my chocolates.

*The sundry shop is a 2 minute walk away from my Grandfather's house. It's just a row of shophouses that faces a field and a playground, not too far off. However, walking alone to the sundry shop was rather unsafe for an 8 year old.*

My father just frowned and told my grandfather I was being spoiled silly. Apapa, on the other hand, smiled and told my father not too worry too much.

Triumphantly, I walked out of the verandah, and opened the main gates. I stepped outside, and swung the iron gates back, locking them just as I've watched my grandparents do. Then I took out my little purse to double check on my money.

Yup, RM 2.00. Just enough for two chocolates. One for me, and one for Apapa. After 5 seconds, I decided to buy the cheaper chocolates, just so I could get more for Papa, Amma, Ashwini and Apachi too.

My heart was beating ridiculously fast as I was about to cross the road. Amma said look right and left first.

There were no cars - I quickly walked across, and sighed with relief. Still clutching to my little purse, I walked up the row of shops, smiling broadly to myself.

I did it! I made it to the Uncle's Shop alone!

"Can I please have 6 of the blue cadbury chocolates Uncle?"

Uncle looked up from his papers, and smiled at me in surprise.

"Oh, you came alone? Wow darling, you must be a big girl now for Apapa to let you come alone! Okay hang on....here you are, 6 chocolates all for you."

I smiled at him, and handed him my RM 2.00.

I quickly walked back, and crossed the road to the house. As I opened the gates, Apapa was still sitting in his chair, with the newspapers.

" So where's my chocolate?"

I ran into his open arms with my little bag of chocolates. I took out the first one, and placed it in his palm.

"I'm very proud of you, my dear. So brave to cross the road like that. I saw, you looked left and right first.Very good!"

I just smiled and munched happily on my chocolate. I remember thinking what a big girl I was that day.

Apapa smiled too.

He smiled, remembering how I walked out of the gates and crossed the road..after which he quickly opened the gates and followed me from behind. He watched me hop over the little drain, and walk down the row of shops. He watched me smile at Uncle, and he stood behind in a distance, signalling to Uncle not to mention that he was there. He then watched me turn around and walk back - he darted down the back lane, and got back to the house before I did.

Yup..I was a big girl alright :)

But to Apapa, I guess I'd always remain his little one.

...no title.

2010-03-19T16:35:00.000+08:00

'Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination'

-Oscar Wilde

I obviously live way above any level of comfort - my imagination rates overactive.

But isn't imagination the key to creating an endless number of possibilities for yourself? I'd like to think so.

After much thought - and I mean MUCH, my conclusion about life and all it offers is just this - I'm still not making full use of it all.

Still trying to figure out where my sense of creativity disappeared to.

Silent Music

2010-02-21T18:33:00.001+08:00

He held his hand out towards her.

“May I have this dance please?”

He smiled.

She smiled back, and reached out to him.

Slowly, as he led her to the open floorboards under the stars, he held her close. Very gracefully, she spun slightly towards him. He caught her in his arms, her face inches away from his.

“ Wise men said..Only fools rush in...”

The invisible band played, and Elvis’s voice filled the air.

They swayed in tune with the music, together. She rested her head against his chest, and he breathed the sweet scent of the woman he held in his arms. Her eyes were closed, and a content smile painted across her beautiful face.

He took a deep breath, as though he was breathing the very oxygen that sustained all life. Gently, he placed a kiss on her forehead.

“For I can’t help falling in love..with..you..”

There was no need for an exchange of words. In that silence that fell between them, there was another conversation that was taking place in their hearts.

She looked up at him, into his eyes. He held her hands, and looked right back. They were still dancing.

“I love you,” she said.

And for him, that love was all that mattered.

Under the stars, surrounded by the water...they danced to the silent music that was only heard by two beating hearts.

Discovering

2010-02-16T19:46:00.000+08:00

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

From 1 Corinthians 13

What's your take on religion?

2010-02-03T17:14:00.000+08:00

I recently read a long conversation on a status message that was on Facebook. The entire conversation was centered on an article, which basically tells the story of how The Equality Bill in England is being challenged/ voted against/ disagreed on by the Catholic Church.

The interesting part of this conversation is that it was basically a 'battle' of sorts between two very different and opinionated people, and their views on religion and its basis.

It prompted me to think, and probe further into the question that I seem to be asking quite a bit these days - What's my take on Religion?

Do I consider myself religious? Or spiritual?

And what is the difference between these two?

Religion is a path that was paved a long time ago, for people that lived long time ago to use as a guide to understand that God/The Universe/ That Higher Power/ or whatever you may want to call it, actually resides within and around us. Its part of us -we are part of That.

Once we realise this, then there's no need for religion.

Right?

It's just like a catalyst, a road, a string that pulls two together.

I can write more, but not now. For now, its time to leave work early so I can buy some kuih for Raj Kumar. :)

Love, just is.

2010-01-28T14:56:00.000+08:00

"My name's ...."

"I know," he said.

My heart stopped for that split second. He knows.

There's something hauntingly beautiful about such undercurrents of recognition.

I've never met him before this. Yet, I know that I know him. From where, I'm not entirely sure. But the feeling of knowing, its all familiar.

There was a surge of energy when our eyes met. A rush in my heart, my fingers trembling, my eyes searching. Deep within his.

I know him.

I always did.

We speak, and it sounds so familiar. I hold his hand, and I know how it fits in mine perfectly. I look at him, and I see my reflection in him. Its almost as if time stopped some time ago, and suddenly picked up again when we met.

I feel his happiness, its like energy that comes in waves. And I feel his pain, it breaks me through and through. The more time spent together, the more it feels real. Like a sense of belonging. Returning, to what was.

Relief. Solace, and peace.

There was no need for fancy dinners, countless dates and wasted phonecalls... there was just this unspoken universal language of love. And that was all that mattered.

What is this, this feeling of knowing, this utter bliss, ridiculous happiness and joy that he brings me? A smile is enough to make my day.

Is this the unspoken meaning of a soulmate?

December ends.

2009-12-10T14:21:00.000+08:00

It's the time for reflection, for post mortems, for thoughts, arguments and debates. Its the time to weigh what matters, and what doesn't, what was achieved, and what wasn't, what, when, where, why....

Really, does it matter?

I'd like to think that each year was special, unique, different in its own way. With each year, life got better - lessons were learnt, new connections made, new people met, and new love found. Every year saw a different story, a different drama, a different situation. Yet, everything is intricately woven together, connected, and related.

2009, what a year! From a new job, to new friends, new places, new faces,...and new challenges. It has been a concoction of excitement, adrenaline, and curiosity all tightly bound in one big container.

I made new friends from across the oceans..Ayush, you're one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Everything is a blessing, and so are you! Though we've never met, I know one day we will. A friend like no other, you're Swami's way of telling me to relax and chill, for He takes care of it all.

I found myself pursuing a new passion - photography, with so much of vigour. This close to getting that DSLR! And thanks to haanu, we are now well on our way to realising tht dream. We've been asked to photograph some charity events, and we are so glad for the opportunity to do so - starting with charity is a good way to kick things off!

Our photoblog, A Flashy Affair ,has been visited by lots of people from all over the world, and we hope traffic increases soon after we re-vamp the look and feel , and personalise our domain!

Working at Global Environment Centre has been quite a journey. I've been blessed with the opportunity to work with the environment, and do my part - writing, composing, and literally jumping in and getting dirty in the forest during rehabilitation programmes that have been scheduled for the past one year. The best part of it is working with universities and colleges on Youth/Environment programmes. Meeting new people, and enthusiastic ones at that seemed to be a central part of my job as Communications Officer.

Of course, Sai work never left the scene - from the Walk For Values Malaysia in May 2009, to planning and executing the launch of the SAICARE Tree Planting Event in the Raja Musa Peat Forest, and now the initial planning of the 1Malaysia campaign - it has been a never ending journey of learning, fun and spirituality, all thrown into one. The biggest event yet is the Sathya Sai Zonal Youth Conference 2010, January 2010 being not far off from now. Challenges, obstacles, difficulties - they're all part of the package! The most important thing is that we learn, and we unlearn.

Swami's never left my side, and I've learnt ways to be closer to Him this year. Meditation has become a central part of my life - its my time with Him. And it works wonders.

The best words I've heard this year - You have to be ill to be healed.

Powerful words. And they seem to be part of something amazing thats happening right now. Which we will talk about, when the time comes :)

Toodles.

The Essence of Nothing

2009-09-24T15:50:00.000+08:00

Today I reflected on the meaning, the symbolism and the necessity of Navrathri.

9 Nights, the story I was told as a child was based largely on the Goddess and Her three forms, each representation of Herself in different moods. The story goes that She fought the evil demon Mahishasura for 9 days and 9 nights, and on the 10th day which we refer to as Vijayadasmi, She finally defeats him, chops off his head and he lays dead at Her feet. She stands over him in Her form as the Fearful One, the power that destroyed world’s greatest evil. Thus, giving Her the name Mahishasuramardini.

But God Forms are merely forms. Why were they given forms in the first place?

Everything is just energy manifesting in different forms. This energy, however, is formless, and it cannot be destroyed nor can it be created. It can be changed from one form to another though. And I suppose this is where the whole idea of God forms took place.

This is my understanding of the Universe and the way it works. We are all part of the Universe. If the Universe is energy, then so are we.
Some call it Universe- I call it God.

We are but forms of energy, manifested in what we are today. As we are.

So God Forms – I think, that we think, that we think in pictures. So that's why we put a form to the formless.But the real reason behind forms is to ultimately realize that there is no form at all.
We and He are One – So we and the Universe are One.
The Universe, is everything..and nothing.
The Universe is what we want it to be.
We are, just the essence of nothing.

Navrathri.

9 nights dedicated to the Feminine aspect of this energy, Shakti. Each night is special because the journey it takes is one so individual and unique, it only means something if you understand the true essence of nothing.

The first 3 nights are dedicated to Durga – the aspect of Shakti at its most fearful, most powerful. ‘She’ is depicted as the feared one, the terrifying one who destroys the demons. Demons – those negatives that reside within us. I’d like to think they are forms of energy that are manifested within us which hinders us from achieving the Real Goal, whatever that may be to each of us individually.

When they are removed, so to speak, then comes Lakshmi. The derivative of Shakti that bestows wealth. Wealth is to have – but to have what? Money? Gold? Love? Happiness?
Here’s the thing – we already have all this.

We have them ...they are just unmanifested.
So in these three nights, this form of Shakti is focused on so we may ‘manifest’ what we already have.

Saraswati – the last three nights. Shakti is worshipped in this form as the energy of wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom – another large reservoir of what already exists within us. We tap into this energy on the last three nights, after having discarded what is not needed to achieve our goals, and manifesting wealth which we already have – because now we are ready and prepared to receive the dawning that knowledge and wisdom is already part of us. We have all the answers – its just a matter of allowing it to surface.

Out of respect for this wisdom, we revere the Feminine energy in the form of Saraswati.

And the tenth day, Vijayadasami?

It’s the day the awakening occurs.

That we and Him are One – and so, we and the Universe are One.
The Universe is everything and nothing, depending on how we wish to see it.
Everything that is Real is Unreal.
If dust you think, dust you become.
If God you think, God you become.

So really, in the essence of nothing, lies the beginning of everything.

For Suhu anna.

2009-09-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

There was a point in life where you were nothing more than just a person I saw once a week. The only words exchanged were those of greetings, and maybe a smile and nod of acknowledgement.

Today, I cannot thank the Lord enough for blessing me with your presence in my life.

This one's for you, Suhu anna.

WHAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS TO ME.

1. He disapproves of my appetite, and makes that a well known fact especially to me.
2. He constantly drops reminders that I am, in fact, gaining weight.
3. He ridicules and teases me to an extent that I cannot explain.
4. He makes fun of my height.
5. He delibrately calls me the WANITA youth coordinator(the right term is assistant youth coordinator), because he knows I hate it.
6. He gets embaressed and all awkward when I openly tell him I love him.
7. He totally gets awkward when I give him a hug, which he tries to brush off.
8. He scolds me when I do stupid things. And its actual shelling that I get, not just a remark.
9. He took time off from work to fix my car.
10. He told the guy who hit my car that he was MY BROTHER :)
11. He listens when I whine about work, and my 'problems' which really aren't problems.
12. He was there to catch me and point me in the right direction when my own nerves and senses failed me.
13. He shared my pain, my sorrows and my worries.
14. He made me smile and brush away my fears.
15. He told me the guy who said no just threw away a chance of a lifetime.
16. He promised he'll be here to 'interview' any other guy who comes my way.
17. He calls to make sure I'm home if we leave late from meetings/dinner/etc.
18. He didn't take me to watch Kanthaswamy :P
19. He changed my life.
20. He's my hero, MY brother.

The love that you shower on me, in your own way, is one that I have been blessed with for eternity. Never a day goes by where I don't thank God for my brothers..and anna, you are everything a sister could ever ask for.
I ask for forgiveness, for all the wrong decisions, wrong words, and silly mistakes that I have made, knowingly or unknowingly.
Every word of advice and encouragement you have given me, I will always remember.
I love you very very much anna.
I know Swami will shower you with all the love and blessings, always and forever.

I will miss you so much.

Come home soon.

With all my love,
your little sister darshi.

Love

2009-08-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreamsas the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Vent.

2009-08-07T14:48:00.000+08:00

I'm here to vent out some frustration, annoyance and anger at the way things are going at the moment. I HATE it. With a vengeance.

I don't care what I write here, its just coming as it is, when it should. I never understood why I'm in this in the first place, nor can I understand why others fail to understand.

Whatever it is, I really have had enough.

So there.

Out with the bestie :)

2009-07-26T12:47:00.000+08:00

Friday night at Telawi.

We tested the self timer on the camera.

Delicious chocolate volcano.

Completely random :)

Lanna, the Thai restaurant we had dinner at.

It's funny how the week has been quite eventful. I guess one of the highlights has to be Friday night, when I had a relaxing, quiet dinner with Haanu, after SO LONG. It show's how busy everyone has been. Before work begin, we could meet up at any time, and do absolutely nothing. Precious times yo.

We had dinner at Lanna, this Thai restaurant in Telawi. It was nice to just sit and chill..its a beautiful place, with really good service as well. The food was good, the ambience was just right, and they played just the kind of music we were in the mood for - jazz :)

After that heavy dinner ( we had rice with two dishes ), we headed to Telawi Street Bistro for some coffee and cake.

Sitting in TSB, we realised, with surprise, tht we had been doing the same thing exactly a year ago! Dinner + Coffee and Cake in Bangsar.

The only difference = last year, we had actually gotten all dressed up, looking pretty and ready for a Friday night out.

This year....we had randomly decided to meet up after work, in faded jeans and tshirts, with absolutely no make up on, and with our glasses on instead with flats and not heels.

How we have grown! :)

We had a good laugh about that.

But really, I guess it all boils down to how we had changed from last year to now..the things we talk about, the matters that mattered the most, the opinions, the debates and the thoughts. It has matured, blossomed and transformed us literally.

Who cares if its Telawi, really? :) Jeans and tshirts it is.

About my darlings :)

2009-07-20T21:35:00.000+08:00

Here's a little something about the loves of my life.

Vishal, he's my hero. I remember when he was about 1 or so, he used to be so quiet. He'd never let me carry him, always had this frown on his face. And always stuck to Manju akka. I'd try so hard to coax him into letting me carry him, and he'd always just not bother.

Then at 1 plus, he was a little more open to letting others near him. That was when he was a good little boy.

When he turned 2 and above that, Vishal transformed into a little rascal!! All he wanted to do was be naughty, annoy everyone and do exactly the opposite of what you told him to.

It was during the period of time when Yoges akka's funeral prayers were going on that I got so attached to Vishal. He'd try to be naughty, and I would just give him one look and he'd stop. But after that, he would only look for me during prayers.

I still remember, one time where we had already started the prayers, and Vishal walks in a little later. He sees me from the door, and just shouts out "DARSHI AKKA!!!!" and runs right into my arms, plops down on my lap and just sits there throughout the prayers.

Now if I don't see him (or the rest of my darlings ) for more than two weeks, I feel all weird.

Vishal's a darling. When he was sick with the Rotavirus, he looked so sad. :( Manju akka took some photos of him in the hospital. It was so difficult for that baby to sleep, because the doctors had put the drips on the hand that he usually stuffs in his mouth hehe. But he managed alright. I'm so proud of my hero!

We took the photos in the collage during Guru Poornima, which also happened to be my sister's 21st birthday. I have to say the people in these photos are the dearest, and closest manifestations of love that I hold in my heart.

I think this is the cutest video of the little ones, Vishal and Priyankka. Ashwini (my sister) took this on their first day of kindergarten.

After a long week, or even a bad day, seeing the kids make me smile and everything that you go through just fades away. I'll have Priyankka and Vishal fighting to get me to carry them, Shaveena talking away about a book/person/toy, and Avinesh and Thivesh telling me how ridiculous school is, and saying ," Akka, can I have your phone please I want to play some games."

I love them to bits :)

I love them so much. They are the reason I smile, most of the time :)

Because nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

2009-06-23T23:31:00.000+08:00

24th June 2009, Tuesday.

11.34 pm.

I met a boy once. He was kind, sweet and good with his words. He struck me as someone who was independent, mature, and loving to an extent. He was intelligent and witty, sarcastic and funny, thoughtful and kind.

He told me, I was his perfect woman. I found that rather hard to believe - but after a while, I wanted to believe it too.

Just as I finally wholeheartedly believed him...he left. He disappeared. He told me, he doesn't feel the same way anymore. It won't work.

So...my question, for a long time, was....why did you even ask me in the first place? I was angry, and then sad, and then hurt, and then angry again. The normal cycle. But for something that never materialised, something that ended before it even begin? Yea..I was. And then, one day, I had a lightbulb moment. Something just snapped inside me, and I stopped feeling all the negativity.

When I look back at it now, I just smile. Its a sad smile. He was a nice guy. But nice guys don't always stay that way, do they? He has a gift, you know. He captures the most beautiful moments of life in the most amazing ways - he can do that. He does that well.

I learnt to appreciate the world around me through him..through that gift. Of course, he doesn't know. Why would he want to in the first place, right? But he was a good friend. And I suppose, in some sad way, I miss that. I don't miss the feelings and emotions that I felt when he was first around, but I miss that friend in him.

Things will never be the same. It can never be. I tried to see if it could, but its rather obvious that it won't..and maybe, its for the best.

I understand that its all part of the circle of life...there must have been some karmic debt that was left unsettled between us. There must have been something for him to teach me. There's always a reason.

The one reason I believe in, is so that I will become a stronger person. It's His way of polishing this diamond, to shine as bright and as true as always.

I wish you all the love, joy and happiness life has to offer. I pray that you achieve all that you have dreamed of, and beyond that. And I will remember, the days we were good friends and just that, because those were the days I would want to cherish, always and always.

God bless you always. May the gift He has blessed you with take you to many places, beyond borders.

When He protects in all ways.

2009-06-18T11:54:00.000+08:00

Thursday, 18th June 2009.

11.55am.

So I lost my 'road virginity' when I was 21, in a brief but rather painful accident near the Sunway toll late one evening during rush hour, as I was leaving college for home. Since then, I never had anymore of those. Till Monday.

11.45 pm, Monday 15th June 2009

I've just dropped Haanu off at Desa Petaling, and I'm driving back on the Seremban highway. The turning to Kesas approaches, and I take a left, following the rather huge curving road. There, in front of me I see a taxi reversing (on the freaking highway?), at an alarming speed.

The car in front of me swerves to the left right in my path and slams his breaks. I slowed down rather quickly, honking and cursing (to a certain extent) at the stupidity of some drivers.

And thats when I hear a loud screeching sound from behind, and before I know it the Honda Civic behind me had rammed right into the back of my car. A split second later, I hear glass shattering, and despite wearing a seatbelt, my body jerks in front and hits the steering wheel. The impact of the Honda caused my little blue Kelisa to skid a good distance to the front, nearly (almost, like 2 inches away) hitting right into the divider, beyond which was nothing but a slope.

Then the car stops. I still have my hands on the wheels, and my feet on the brakes. And I'm shaking, too stunned and shocked. Immediately, I hit the hazard lights, take a deep breath, and get down, not really knowing what to expect.

I literally put on a brave front, because I was still quite shocked from that whole 5 second experience,and walk to take a look at the back of the car.

And the damage was nothing like the impact at all! The bumper had fallen, the booth was dented and damaged, and the paint was scraped. And that was it.

I walked to the front, to take a look at the damage there...nothing. But what scared me more was the minimal distance the car was from the divider and the slope. One more nudge and I would have been in that ditch.

The driver in the car behind me gets down, and walks up to me. He's drunk. Before I could say anything, he just says " I'm so sorry. Please bring your car to this workshop tomorrow. I will pay for everything. I'm very sorry."

You should have seen the surprise on my face again.

I sorted things out with him, and drove home slowly to avoid my bumper from hitting the back wheels. And I couldn't help thinking, the impact of that car on mine was definitely capable of causing a hell of a lot more damage than what I saw. How on earth did it turn out to be so minimal?

Then I started to think about so many other possibilities. What if it had been a 'planned' accident? I hear about things like this all the time. What was I thinking getting out of the car on my own like that? What if the car had actually gone down that slope?

I don't know how to explain things like this,but I know that night an unseen Hand was definitely protecting me from something worse.

I make a quick call to Suhu anne, and he tells me to pick him up tomorrow before heading to the workshop.

10.30 am, Tuesday 16th June 2009

"Hello, this is Darshana's brother here. How do we get to this workshop?"

That was Suhu anne talking to the driver of the Honda. When he said that, I couldn't help but smile, feeling this surge of love in my heart.

Today I was reminded once again how lucky I am to have brothers like these guys. Suhu anne and Sai G anne took time off from work just to follow me to the workshop, and sort things out with the driver yesterday.

They spoke to the workshop guys, to the driver, and made sure all the damage was covered. They made sure I had lunch (with all the teasing and irritation about putting on weight), and they stayed throughout the afternoon.

They say that souls are born collectively together life after life, time after time. Sometimes I wonder where this band of brothers came from, and how I found myself bonded to them for life. They tease me, annoy me, irritate me (and this works both ways), but I still love them, regardless.

To my brothers,

When I playfully say I love you, you brush it away, probably annoyed and sometimes embaressed by the open display of affection.
However, please know that I mean it with all my heart, and always will regardless of time.
You've made me laugh, you've made me smile, you've even turn the tears into happiness.
You've shared some thoughts and wise words, also some that were stern and harsh for my own good.
But it's all these that have helped me become all that I am today.
Without your love, and your guidance I would be lost, I'm sure of that.

You are my greatest manifestation of Love from Swami. And I love you all, with all that I have.

From the concourse of Great Eastern Mall.

2009-06-05T18:20:00.000+08:00

Friday, 5th June 2009.
6.22 pm.

Its Environment Week, and I'm at a week long Go Green campaign at Great Eastern Mall, Jalan Ampang.

Its surprising how multi tasking has never been something I could do well, and it surprises me even more when I am forced to multi task in times when I have to be at two places at once.

So here I am, sitting at GE Mall at our organisation's booth, talking to shoppers who stop by to enquire about the environment, and at the same time finishing up some urgent work at the office which requires my immediate attention.

Funny how you work better under intense pressure.

Over the past few days, I've met so many different characters, its quite amusing to a certain extent, and also lets you think about human relations and interactions more.

Since I now know so many insurance agents from Great Eastern, thanks to the freelance emceeing I do for their dinners and seminars, I managed to talk a substantial number of them to drop by our booth. Even before I start talking about what we do, they swipe out RM1o and pass it to me, saying its their contribution for the Adopt A Tree campaign. Without asking questions. Needless to say, many of them dropped by and did that just to show support for me, and not really asking much questions about the cause.

I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

And then, the urban stay-at-home moms, all dolled up for a day out at the mall with their young children. They walk around, but stop and listen attentively at every booth, and even inquire with concern about the condition of water in their homes. One mom actually came back the next day with a water sample from her home so she could do a water test for impurities and discharge from toxic wastes!

Of course, you have the sceptics. The most common statement and remarks I've heard from these guys are " So why are the NGOs doing all the work? What about the Government?"

I refrain to comment. However, as surprising as it may sound, the government does actually do quite a substantial amount of conservation and preservaton of our environment. But that discussion is for another day.

Then there are the GE Insurance Agents who stop by just to see if they can recruit new agents. Funny how the conversation starts off with the state of the environment today, why we end up working with NGOs, and how we should be working for ourselves because then we can earn tons of money. Hmmm.

I have a pretty wide circle of friends in the industry now, and I'm happy to say that once they know I'm not interested, they don't ask again.

Of course, there are the genuinely concerned ones who really want to know what is happening to the world, why climate change is so alarming, and how they can help to restore rivers, wetlands and peatlands. One kind soul even brought back more of her friends just so they could adopt trees in the forest.

Occasionally I get one or two who stop by to ask all about what we do, but after explaining, the conversation is all about how their day was, and how frustrated they are with kids nowadays who care less about elders, environment and manners. I end up listening to them, empathising and thinking....she probably just needed someone to listen for a while.

With that said, it has been one long learning experience. Besides being able to spend time to get to know our interns Mi Ling and Ellie better, I also got to meet new friends from WWF, and the charming host/emcee for the campaign, Amir.

I shall now count the balance I have in my wallet, and pray 730pm arrives sooner than expected.

Over and out.

Family bloopers

2009-05-24T21:02:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 24th May 2009.
9.02 pm.

Blooper 1

* I'm sitting on the couch at home with the laptop on. Papa walks across, sits on the other couch, and accidentally drops the remote on the floor. We hear a loud crrraaassshh.

Papa : Aaaaaah!! (sounds like as if he dropped gold or something).
Amma : Aiyooo!! (sounds like someone fell of the balcony).
Darshi : aiyo, its just the remote la.
Papa (looking at Amma) : Why you scream so loud?
Amma (looks at Papa with annoyance) : Because the sky is so high!

*Silence. And then I burst out laughing.

Blooper 2

* I'm at Thana anne's house having dinner. My 3 year old niece, Priyankka runs up to me, dragging her stuffed dog. She's tied a ribbon around its neck.

Priyankka : Akka , look. Its my new dog. His name is Drownie. He's nice, he won't bite.
Me : Really? He's so sweet. Can I pat him?
Priyankka : Ya you can. See, he is a good dog. He won't even bark.
Me : That's nice. What is his name darling? Drownie? or Brownie?
Priyankka : (gives me that aiyo-you're-so-slow look) Its DROWNIE! Drownie.
Me : Is that spelt with a D or a B?
Priyankka : Aiyo Darshi akka, its B!
Me : How do you spell his name?
Priyankka : (another aiyo-you're-so-slow look, smacks her forehead and then says... )
D-O-S-T-U!
And then she walks off in a huff.

*Silence follows. And then I burst out laughing.

:)

a bit of outburst.

2009-05-20T14:59:00.001+08:00

Never in my life have I been this tired and exhausted, trying to juggle personal life and work all at the same time. So what is dharma, if you need to do both duties at home and at work all at once?

How do I be that dutiful daughter, fulfill work demands, and do sai work all at the same time without getting worn out and burned out?

I think I know the answer. Realising that it is the answer isn't so easy, ironically.

Dear Lord,
Please grant me the courage to carry on and the strength to do all that I have to do without faltering or failing in any one task, at any time.

Going Green with Swami

2009-05-11T17:31:00.000+08:00

Monday,11th May 2009.
5.33pm.

I offer myself at the Lotus Feet of my Loving Father, my Loving Baba.

Dearest Swami,
I realized a long time ago that Life is a Teacher.
And I also realized a long time ago, that Teacher is You…You are my Life, Swami.

The Walk For Values Malaysia 2009 – we dared to dream for the stars, only because we knew that You will see us through it.

10th May 2009.
SS3 Basketball Court.

All around me were people in different shades of green. A little girl laughed and ran towards her father. She was dressed like a sunflower, and her face, as radiant as the petals that she carried.

Messages of Love, Peace, Truth, and environmental issues were splashed across placards, sandwich boards, and on the people themselves. I could only see smiles, laughter, and vibrant costumes.

As I sat there, on the floor of the court, soaking all the energy from the Walk For Values 2009 in, I looked up at the majestic trees against the blue sky… for a split second, I could’ve swore I saw You, Swami.

And tears welled up in my eyes. Luckily, I was wearing my shades. My thoughts flew back to the very first Walk For Values meeting we had in SS3, in the beginning of the year. We had a vision – to embark on a journey so powerful that Your message of values remains engrained in one and all, for eternity.

The endless meetings, dead ends, solutions, exhaustion, joy, and love all came rushing back at the same time. It was overwhelming to see so many people, from all walks of life, coming together to Go Green, and spread the message of Your Love through this simple but powerful walk.

The weeks leading up to the walk were the most testing, trying and daunting ones. The last minute changes, the unfinished paper bags, the decoration tasks, and the preparations pushed us to a level we had never gone before.

Yet, despite the tension, the work, and the uncertainty, we smiled and laughed at it all, firmly believing that You will make it happen! When the intention is noble, and the cause is pure, what is there to worry about? We surrendered completely to You, Swami. We pushed ourselves to give You only the best, with firm faith that You will be happy.

If I wish, you can be before Me instantly
If I wish, your life can be changed dramatically
If I wish, you can attain God in no time
But for Me to do that
You first have to melt My heart
Melt it with your devotion
Melt it with your love
Melt it with your selflessness
Melt it with your perseverance
Melt it with your unshakable faith
Once you pull the string to My heart
I run and lodge Myself in yours.

That is our ultimate goal, Swami.It was the only reason that kept us going, even at 3.00am in the morning, with almost no sleep, and massive exhaustion. And we were still standing that morning, at the court. And all I could see was Your Love, spreading from that little basketball court in SS3, to the entire neighbourhood. The shouts of Go Green! , messages of values on Your Messengers of Love… it was pure Love, manifested in the form of this Walk.

Thank you Swami, for giving me such a loving family of brothers and sisters, the Sai Youth of Central Region. The bond that we share is unbreakable, and sealed firmly with Your blessings and Love. There were many times where we felt like almost giving up, but we never did because we knew Your unseen Hand will nudge us the right way.

And in the end, what was the connection between the Nature and Your teachings?

The scriptures (Upanishads and Bhagavad Gita) declare, "All Nature is God" and "The Lord is in all beings". When learning about the sublime secrets of the trees, appreciate the Creator and strive to understand the principles behind creation. Life is a tree. The mutual relationship we cultivate and cherish are symbolized by the branches, twigs and leaves; the thoughts arising in the mind are the flowers; Ananda (Joy) is in the fruit, Dharma is the sweet juice it contains. The tree is held firm by the very roots which fed it...roots that symbolize faith and self-confidence. Nurture the roots well.
-Divine Discourse, February 18, 1980.

We offer this walk at Your Divine Lotus Feet, our beloved Father. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for blessing us with Your Love.

I Love You, Swami. Thank you for lifting us higher than the sky!

A little quickie.

2009-04-30T12:48:00.000+08:00

Thursday, 30th April 2009.

12.52pm.

At work, tired, sleepy and hungry. but too lazy to get up and walk out for food. Did you know that Labour Day was initially celebrated for St Joseph the Worker, as a feast? Interesting. I'll find out more and write later.

Another quickie..the WALK FOR VALUES 2009 is coming up next week! Click on the link below to watch the trailer for the WALK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRywCxms9KE&feature=related

I'll update with more information when I'm home , and not so sleepy.

A Brother's Advice.

2009-04-27T23:41:00.000+08:00

Monday, 27th April 2009.
11.54pm.

"What is this la, Darshi, hardly see you around nowadays. What are you up to?"

"She's always busy now la, Balan. Ask her la."

That was the conversation between Balan anne, and Amma.

We are at anne's house, it's my niece Shaveena's 6th birthday today. Between Vishal's constant flow of half-made sentences (all of which end with Darshi akka), Priyankka's endless efforts to drag me to her defense against her big brothers Avinesh and Thivesh (who are still bullying her), and Shaveena trying to explain to me how her cake looks like, I just smiled, and looked at Thana anne, only to be greeted by a frown.

" Come here, Darshi."

Uh oh.

I reluctantly get up from the floor and settle down next to Thana anne on the couch. He is my eldest brother, one who has watched me grow from a baby to the young woman I am today. He puts one arm around me, and holds me closer to him.

" Let me tell you a story about my life. I know what it's like to be young, and to be able to do all that you are doing now. There's work, there's your Sai activities and all, there are your friends...but remember, always come home for amma and papa.

I had it all..but I didn't have the time to send my sons to school. I didn't have the time to wake them up in the morning. I didn't have the time to bathe my little princess Priyankka, or feed her breakfast...I didn't have enough time with Yoges..

Time will fly, Darshi. Amma and Papa are old..there are many things I regret now. And the one thing I regret the most, was not making enough time for my family. You won't know what is coming in the future..

Make sure you are around with them. Do whatever you have to do, but don't ever tell your family you don't have the time. It won't come back to you again."

Anne was still holding me. I had my head resting on his shoulder. I listened, trying so hard not to cry thinking of Yoges akka, and then I tilted my head up to look at him.

He had tears in his eyes.

The difference between simple, and complicated.

2009-04-26T00:02:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 26th April 2009.
12.02 am.

Complicated is too hard to handle. It just means there's too much going on for you. Life is colourful, eventful, and exciting. Many things require your involvement, and heck, you love every bit of it.

But it's too hard for some to handle.

Simple, is straightforward. Its ..boring. Its safe. Its routine. It just is. And that makes it easier to handle.

If it was too complicated, a word (and I mean, frankly, simply put into a WORD) would've simplified a lot of things.

There's no need to continue to complicate things.

Sometimes I feel that my life is ridiculously labelled as difficult and complicated. Screw whoever thinks that way. Lets face it, I am nowhere near simple.

It comes in a package. All of it. The missing piece, however, is yet to arrive.
When it does, then maybe, that emptiness may disappear. Maybe.

And I don't really care less if I am analysed, or generalised. I really don't. So really, don't bother trying.

In the depths of silence, I hear the voice of my heart.

2009-04-25T01:06:00.000+08:00

Saturday, 25th April 2009.
1.06 am.

Venmegham pennagha uruvaanatho,
En neram ennai paarththu villaiyaadutho,
Unnale pala nyabagam, en munnae vanthaaduthae,
oru nenjam thindaduthae..
Vaarthai oru varthai sonnal enna,
Paarvai oru paarvai parthal enna,
Unnale pala nyabagam, en munnae vanthaaduthae,
Oru nenjam thindaduthae..
Venmegham pennagha urvaanatho,
En neram ennai paarththu villaiyaadutho..

Manjal veyil nee, minnal oli nee,
Unnai kandavarai kann kalangha nirkka vaikkum thee,
Pennae yennadi? Unmai solladi…
Oru punnaghaiyil penniname kopa paddathennadi?
Devathai vaalvathu veedu illai koyil,
Kadavulin kaal thadam paarkiraen,
Ondraai irendaai un azhagai paada,
Kan moodi oru oram naan saaikiraen,
Kanneeril aanandham naan kaankiraen,
Unnalae pala nyabagham, En munnae vanthaaduthae,
Oru nenjam thindaduthae..

Enghal manathai kollai adiththaai,
Indha thanthiramum manthiramum yengu sendru padiththaai?
Vizhivasavil valai virithaai, unnai pallakinil thukki sella kaddalaikal vithiththaai,
Un viral pidiththidum varam ondu kidaikka..
Uyirudan vaalkiraen naan adi…en kaadhalum en aagumo..?
…Un paathaththil mann aagumo…

Venmegham pennagha uruvaanatho,
En neram ennai paarththu villaiyaadutho..

For my Anna's, with Love.

2009-04-23T00:14:00.000+08:00

Thursday, 23rd April 2009.
12.18 am.

As much as they bully me and tease me, till I feel like I would like to strangle them, or smack them silly..I love them to bits. Without them, life would be ..well, it wouldn't be what it was now - fun, vibrant and full of love.

To my anna's, thank you for teaching me everything that you have. Thank you for being here, for being patient and kind, for being annoying and silly, for being loving and sweet, and for being yourselves.

Thank you for being my big brothers.

I love you all so much! And I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Not a brother by birth, but a brother by Right.
My heroes, my brothers,
The bond I have, I will cherish forever
For the Love I have been gifted with,
I am forever greatful for..
I don't need anything else,
For I have all of you
To proudly call my Anna's.
With love, and nothing else,
Because there's just no other word
That sums up what you mean.

Love, always and forever,
The brat :)

My morning story.

2009-04-22T16:40:00.000+08:00

For some reason, the dates are not displayed in this new layout.
Wednesday, 22nd April 2009.
7.25am

I would've loved a hot cup of coffee this early in the morning. However, given the frequency of massive headaches I seem to be constantly having, I decided to play safe and have a milo instead.

So I'm sipping out of this milo packet, looking at signboards for directions to my destination today - FRIM, as I'm driving along the LDP. It was relatively easy to find, much to my surprise. I could've slept in a little longer. Sigh.

But nothing beat my morning entrance to FRIM (Forest Research Institute of Malaysia).

I turned right after the traffic light, to be greeted by lush greenery that fringed the tar road heading into the heart of the forest. At that exact moment, an all time favourite started to sing out of the radio - En Iniya Pon Nilave..

What a feeling, yaar!

I was immediately transported into a different world, so unlike the concrete jungle I just drove out of.

"Ninaiviley oru sugam, ta da da ta da.."

I saw a beautiful waterfall, and an old English mansion. Motorcyclists smiled and waved as I drove past, and I in turn, smiled back, happily breathing in the fresh morning air. There were vibrant colours of red, crimson, orange and yellow on one particular tree. Very pretty!

Everywhere, I saw only splashes of green - not the dust coated pale green I see on the trees in the city, but rich, healthy , bright green givers of Life.

The joy of inhaling such clean air. Haaaaaiiiz.

And did I mention how cooling the area is? Its breathtakingly beautiful. Match a scene like this to a song like that from the 70s..and I'm in love with the world ten times over.

Anyway.. I arrived at the Auditorium an hour early for the seminar. ( Forgot to mention what seminar! The presentation on the results from the hydrology and land use study for the Conservation of Biological Diversity Project. Its focus is on Forest Management).

Obviously, I arrived at a totally empty auditorium.

And so, I figured it was an excellent time to pen down my short adrenaline rush, before it slips away into the deep ends of my mind.

=)

By Rabindranath Tagore

2009-04-20T14:03:00.000+08:00

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO PUT FLOWERS UPON THE FEET OF GOD,

FIRST FILL YOUR OWN HOUSE

WITH THE FRAGRANCE OF LOVE....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO LIGHT CANDLES BEFORE THE ALTAR OF GOD,

FIRST REMOVE THE DARKNESS OF SIN

FROM YOUR OWN HEART.....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO BOW DOWN YOUR HEAD IN PRAYER,

FIRST LEARN TO BOW IN HUMILITY

BEFORE YOUR FELLOW MEN.....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO PRAY ON BENDED KNEES,

FIRST BEND DOWN TO LIFT SOMEONE

WHO IS DOWNTRODDEN.....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS FOR YOUR SINS,

FIRST FORGIVE FROM YOUR HEART

THOSE WHO HAVE SINNED AGAINST YOU.

rabindranath tagore

One thought.

2009-04-19T19:32:00.000+08:00

When you're mentally tired, its difficult to write. I would love to tell you about the tree planting at Raja Musa Forest Reserve, the new lesson I learnt during Veenai class, my new job, and the things I've learnt for the week.

But the only thought that is in my 'thoughts', right now..sigh.

Love doesn't come easily. When it does, it takes longer to leave. But that's not what love is, is it? What leaves, was never meant to be.

I gave it away, not knowing what lies ahead.
It's still there, and not with me.
My heart, that is.
It's there.

Intellectually Empty.

2009-04-07T12:52:00.000+08:00

After constantly blogging about matters of the heart, I am now in a position to write something serious. And sadly, found that the creative juices still refuse to flow...maybe I need some coffee.

People of the blogging world, I am pleased to announce that I have begin working at Global Environment, a global environmental ngo which deals with environmental causes in and around Asia Pacific. :)

When the brain starts to work again, I shall come back and share my experiences in re-starting it.

Missing Amma.

2009-04-05T15:41:00.000+08:00

"Darshi akka, I miss Amma."

She fiddled with my Om pendant, and looked away into the sky when she said that.

We were out for dinner with the family at the Gardens, and I was standing with Priyankka as we looked out through the glass windows in the restaurant.

My heart instantly filled with a wave of sadness, and I gathered her up in my arms into a big hug. She hugged me back, and laid her head on my shoulder, and almost immediately put her little finger int her mouth. I notice she does that whenever she doesn't know what to say.

I gave my niece a kiss, and sat her down on my lap.

" I miss Amma too, baby. But you know what? I'm sure Amma is here with you. She is always here, right here in your heart. She's always with you, and she will always be.

Amma would want you to be happy, right darling? So lets smile for Amma."

She gave me a smile, and then asked me..

"Akka, why you always wear the same chain? Why are your earrings blue? I want a cupcake."

And then, I saw that free spirited, ever smiling little bundle of joy once again.

I miss you too, Akka. So much. We all do...but rest assured, I will do all that I can to make sure they will always, always be happy.

Something from Mani, now something from me :)

2009-03-31T01:24:00.000+08:00

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Love truly, Laugh constantly, And never stop smiling no matter how strange life is, Life is not always the party we expected to be, but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.
- As posted on Mani's Facebook status.

LIFE IS SHORT
How I realised this, the hard way is something I will always remember, till the day I die. So quickly Death came knocking at the door, so swiftly He took Yoges akka away, in His arms, and so suddenly it all came to an end.

It was painful, it was heartbreaking, it was a terrible, testing, trying time.

But yet, we learnt so much...and we learnt to let go of the pain, and pray for akka to rest in peace. For God loved her so much more, and so He chose to have her Home, earlier than the rest of us.

She's an angel now, watching over us from the Heavens above.

BREAK THE RULES
How relevant this is to my life! Breaking the rules, something that was never an easy thing to do, given the fact that I was brought up in a family that believed and upheld values, religious practices and all the rest of the same package. So you can imagine what it was like when I decided to go out with a boy who was totally opposite all this when I was 16. Your typical ruffian, the boy who finished SPM, started working, drank like a fish, smoked all day, didn't bother if there was a God or not, and was only interested in everything else but his family.

Needless to say,this created the biggest rift between my family and I. Constant arguments, fights, moody nights, nights without words, nights with tears, nights with no arguments but that prevailing silence, of course.

I think every girl secretly wanted to go out with the Bad Boy, and when that boy came right round to me with words of flattery and lots of sweet smses, I fell right in to his arms. Till this day, I'm still wondering how I could have been so freaking stupid!

Then again, I was, just 16.

FORGIVE QUICKLY
There is one person that always, always pisses me off. She always makes the same mistakes, over and over again. She always finds herself in situations that she knows could have been handled better, or avoided altogether. Sometimes, she even cries too much that it makes life miserable, really.

The things she does at times...God, you just feel like taking an axe and striking that overactive brain of hers out of the head!

But you know, despite all of this..forgiving this person is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Regardless of the pain, the anger, the frustration, the bitterness, the annoyance and every other feeling she causes...She is my bestest friend.

This person, that I have learnt to forgive quickly, is none other than myself :)

LOVE TRULY
That's one thing that I have learnt to do right.Love, is not overrated. It is the most magical feeling on earth. To love another, to feel that much of pure, sweet, untouched love, in its purest form ever...is a feeling that is beyond description.

It reminds me of sunny skies, blueberries, the ocean and green trees.
It reminds me of smiles, sparkling eyes, hugs and kisses.
It reminds me of meadows,and forests, and the rain, and the waterfalls.
It reminds me of the world, and how blessed we are to be here..
It reminds me of him, and Him.
It reminds me of everyone in my life.

Life is Love..to love truly, is to truly love life.

LAUGH CONSTANTLY
I think this is the most important part of life, after love of course. And for this, I need to give credits to the people who tickle my funny bone best - The brothers from the Centre, Susi anne, the talented comedians in movies (really, what would we do without them?), and best of all..my parents, who are constantly making me end up in fits of laughter, simply because of their crazy antics nowadays.

Laughter has proven to be the best medicine, for alot of uncomfortable and painful circumstances and incidences. Thank God for creating laughter. Really.

Some anecdotes worth laughing at :

*The time Suhu anne and the rest decided to look for a Surya mapillai for me in Anandabhavan restaurant.

*The time my mother answered the mobile phone, holding it upside down and not realising that it was upside down till 10 seconds later.

*The time my father decided his goal for the New Year was to win the lottery.

*The time Ashwini pronounced Hitler as HIL-TER, and then added to it by asking me, "Who the hell is HIL-TER?"

*The time Vishal found out that Ashwini was scared of a stuffed frog, and kept running up to
her with it saying,"BOO!"

And many many more candid moments, which makes me laugh, constantly.

And for these reasons, Ladies and Gentlemen, I can declare with no reservations, that I love every bit of my life, and everyone in it. And I wouldn't change it all, not for anything, not anytime.

The End.

One slice of Bread.

2009-03-30T13:14:00.000+08:00

Saturday, 11am. Central Market.

It was one of those quiet, sunny Saturdays. My sole purpose of visiting Central Market was to get t-shirts printed for Earth Hour later that evening. Needless to say, it was freaking expensive. But hey, the final product was pretty awesome.

So as usual, Susilan anne was my date for the morning. You know, I really think the girl who he marries will be the luckiest girl on earth! And I'm not just saying this because he's my brother. I'm dead serious about this. Okay, so back to the story.

We headed for breakfast to Old Town Kopitiam within Central Market. On the menu for the morning : White Coffee, Hazelnut White Coffee, Double Butter and Kaya Toast, Blueberry French Toast.

The setting was just perfect, the ambience and the view (ahem) both fit right into place and we had a good time, eating, talking and discussing certain brother-sister issues which I shall not bother elaborating here.

As we were chatting, we suddenly noticed this woman, who was dressed in casual shorts and a t-shirt, sandals, walking up and down the aisle from where we were seated. She did come a bit too close for comfort at times, and continuously spoke to herself (in Haanu's words, random monologues at unforseen times). I think I heard her say blueberry twice.

Although we noticed her, we tried not to bother too much, until we realised that she may be hungry. Our conversation turned to the homeless, the children that sold things after working hours in Bangsar, the beggar lady that used to be at Jaya Jusco when I was younger, and the street people I see in Masjid Jamek, Pasar Seni and Kota Raya.

The both of us decided to offer her some bread. If she is really hungry, what harm is there in sharing something that we know we can afford to part with? So this was the conversation .

Me: Excuse me, would you like to have some bread ?
Lady: No thank you.
Anne : a silent smile was all that anne gave.*

Then I realised, she was too afraid/proud?/ashamed to take the bread which I had offered. Maybe she had been able to afford these once, or maybe she just had some pride which might be broken should she chose to accept what I had just offered. Or, maybe she was just disturbed psychologically, and needed help.

Whatever the case, I knew she was hungry. I purposely left a slice of bread on the table, and loudly said that I couldn't eat anymore. When we got up to pay the bill, I saw from the corner of my eye that she swiftly walked up to the table, and grabbed that slice of bread I left behind.

I just smiled, and told anne what had happened.

Sometimes we forget, that they are people too. Some may have been in that situation too long to even think about pride/status and other things, but there may be some who have just been forced to live the way they do. Just like all of us, everything takes time to get used to. Maybe she wasn't sure of how to ask for bread, or even, simply try to take the bread. What if she hadn't eaten in days?What if, she had to steal from other places for food, just because begging wasn't an option she wanted to chose?

I suppose in that split moment, I understood what she wanted without really having to ask. I would've gladly bought her a full meal, if I could do it without bruising her ego. Nevertheless, I hope that one slice of bread has helped her to live, if not another day, then at least a couple of hours more.

God bless the souls of those who are in need of help, shelter, food, and love. Always.

The Science Experiment.

2009-03-25T09:58:00.000+08:00

Lessons that should be learnt, are not being learnt. Therefore, episodes repeat, mistakes are made. Is it possible to get immune to feelings after repetition occurs many times?Science requires repetitions to be made in any given experiment/trial so as to produce reliable end results. Life is like a science experiment. It can be safely said that in reality, to reproduce the exact same situation under the same conditions is close to impossible, unless precise calculations and other factors are taken into consideration. However, reproducing itself shows unreality. Accuracy and precision are two different things.

Concluding the issue - not concluded. In fact, its rather impossible to find one true solid conclusion. So ..an experiment without a conclusion? Possible failure? Something to think about.

A short note on something important.

2009-03-25T01:31:00.001+08:00

Whenever it used to rain, it would flood in Apapa's house. Water would come right up to the main doors of the house. We'd sit by the stairs, Ashi, Apapa and I, and make little paper boats out of old newspapers. There would be a big giant one, then smaller ones, and tinier ones that follow. Slowly, we'd let each one of them go, and watch as they sail away, slowly, out the front gate, and out to the road, and finally out of sight.

At 5pm, Apapa would come home from work. He'd ride his bicycle in to the compound, pick us up and place us in the little rattan rack in front of the cycle. Then we'd go for a ride around the block. Ashi and I had to take turns usually.

The fridge was always stocked up with chocolates, sweets, milk, anything we wanted. But we were only allowed to touch them at a certain time of the day - tea time.

Lunch was usually made by Apachi. She'd feed us little round balls of rice, and tell us stories about animals and birds. Dinner, is usually Apapa's speciality. This time, he'd sit and feed us, while watching television. Football, usually.

There are so many childhood memories that are imprinted in the Taman Melawis home in Klang, where we were born, and where we would rush to every holiday.How the times have changed..even Klang has changed.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's. My grandfather, liver cancer. Its so difficult to see them the way they are now..I suppose age does catch up with you, eventually. My only hope is to see them happy in this last stage of their lives, and pray that I will be able to do everything in my ability to make sure that they are comfortable, and happy.

Through the eyes of the silent one.

2009-03-22T23:47:00.001+08:00

I waited, among thousands of others. This was it, this was the day that I had been waiting for since I was born. I had been nourished, fed and cared for with so much of patience, and love, all for this one day.

From where I was placed, I could see, acres and acres of vast greenery. This land, it was special...it wasn't like any other. To survive here, you had to be the toughest of the toughest, the cream of the crop. The conditions, the harsh environment, the community that lived here..it was a tough world. If you don't compete, you don't survive.They call it the peatlands.

Around me were my friends, family, those that had been with me since I was first brought into this world. And there were others...those who care as much as we do - who cared about our world, our home. I was told that they would be the ones giving us hope, helping us to serve others the best we could.

Suddenly, I was lifted up, and taken away. From where I was now, I could see a narrow path that was slightly cleared. There, I saw my new home. I could see my friends and some family around me..my new neighbours. I was gently placed into my home, and the feeling of love and care flowed from each person into the soil, into my roots, and up my tiny body, spilling out into my stems and leaves. It was soothing, calming and full of divine energy.

There was a reason, I think, that God made us without a voice. We do not speak, but at times, if others chose to listen carefully, they can hear us whispering in the wind. Our entire life purpose is to provide and to serve man selflessly. You could say that our whole lives are entirely sacrificial.We provide the basis to life, the basis for shelter. Like silent listeners, and watchers most of the time, we stand by, growing tall and strong, watching and remaining as we are, despite the drastic changes the world goes through.

She's dying, our Mother. The stress and pain that people have put her through...it has reached the limit. One more push, and she will break, both in spirit and body. It breaks our hearts to see her suffer, but what more can we do than what we already have?

They have come to their senses, finally. They have finally rised to the call to save Her. Slowly, but surely, tiny steps like these can help to restore Her to the fullest potential. Maybe, there is some hope for the future generation now.

If only, each and everyone of them could see Her as She was, in all Her glory and majesty when it all begin..they would learn to love and cherish Her, as they do with their loved ones now. For without Her, they too, will cease to exist...forever.

No intelligent title. So what's the deal?

2009-03-21T20:20:00.000+08:00

So nobody, at least not many people, read this page of my life.

So..I figure its not a problem for me to talk about my life. Not that I'm not capable of writing on issues that are more important, like saving the earth. Which is something that I'm trying to do a lot of for now.

But you see...underneath it all, I'm just me. Human, with my own set of issues, my own difficulties, my own learnings, and of course, that annoying own heartbreaks. Sometimes, I wish I would stop getting myself into messes that only result in me feeling worse off than before.

I absolutely refuse to allow myself to drown in this annoying mess of feelings. Unnecessary.

No, this post is not meant to be intellectual. Yes, its just my feelings. I like writing them down here. And no, I don't care if the world thinks I'm lost, confused, or whatever. Because I bloody well know I'm not, and letting out my frustrations is a lot healthier than keeping them locked up inside.

When a smile is sad :)

2009-03-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

If you just realized what I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other now.

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

A reply to your dedication brat :)

2009-03-19T23:28:00.000+08:00

So this is my sister, Ashwini. And that's my dad..this however, is not about Papa, its about Ashi.

You little brat,
I miss you! This isn't going to be some mushy mushy muddle of emo-fied feelings, just a straight and honest reply to your very sweet and simple dedication.

Living alone is hard, I must admit. I had to endure that for a year, and believe me, I know how it feels. The best thing to do is to hold on to the family you have there, and remember that all of us here are just a phone call away for you. You're doing great, I'm so proud of you for holding up the way you are, despite everything that's been going on there.

It isn't easy here as well. There is a fair share of issues that need to be settled back here to, and well, we're holding up alright. Just remember that it won't be for long, and soon things will be alright again.

Love you loads, brat. I can't wait for you to come back. We have lots to talk about! Hang in there okay??

Lotsa hugs from akka :)

Another budding interest. Photography - Some of my shots.

2009-03-17T00:45:00.000+08:00

mini status update.

2009-03-17T00:43:00.000+08:00

Emotions being felt :
frustration
immense sadness
anger at thyself
stupidity

why does it always have to be this way.

My music, my passion.

2009-03-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

I play, and I am transported to a whole new world. I suppose its like an escape for me..playing gives me the sense of being in tune with what my heart is saying, and what I'm feeling. Today I came up with some notes for a song I never played before, and with this sudden jolt I realised I had just composed a sort-of-a-song.

Despite how sucky this week has been, it all just disappeared miraculously when I started to play the veena and harmonium this afternoon. I discover something new each time I play either one of these instruments, and it doesn't fail to surprise me everytime I do.

I tried testing my ability to play according to another person's pitch and key today, when my cousin was here. So far, I've only been playing according to my voice..and today, I have established the fact that I can play to another person's voice. It didn't take too long for me to find the right key, and the notes.

I play, and it feels like I am connected to the music. I close my eyes, and allow my voice, and my hands to guide my thoughts and channel all that energy on the music I play..for that few minutes it feels like the music and my heart is beating to the same rhythm.

It started off as lessons as a child. Piano, a bit of barathanatyam, which I eventually stopped in favor of piano. Now I think I should've continued. And then Sangeetham lessons..which I also had to stop when I got involved in the King and I play that was staged by the Philharmonic Orchestra.

Years later...and I found that passion again, through bhajans, through listening to Ravi Shankar and Samuel J Dass..and how I started playing what I thought was bhajans on the harmonium...by just singing, and sort of finding the keys..then I realised, I could actually play by ear.

Its a passion, definitely. It defines me, in one way. Not in all ways...but in a way.It's one of the ways I express..Me.

Its in a teardrop.

2009-03-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

Today I'm sad. I close my eyes, and I try to let myself feel whatever emotions that seem to be locked up inside me. Is that where it come from, the heart?

And there's this burst of sadness. It flows so constantly, without stopping. It has within, pain, a sad smile, and a deep, sinking, feeling which hurts so much.

Is love supposed to hurt? Was it not enough to just love? Is there always a right and wrong answer for everything?

And how do you fall out of love? Is that even possible?

Tears, I realised today, is the language of your heart. That's the way it speaks what it feels, and what it wants to say.It speaks in those tiny droplets of water, that fall from within so gently, so calmly, so slowly..It allows the heart to express all it feels, with silence..its the one way the heart knows how to speak. Through silence.

If you listen carefully enough...you may be able to hear its every word.

An open letter to God.

2009-03-11T00:52:00.000+08:00

Dear God,
This is a letter, which contains all the things I have wanted to write to you in some time.

Life has been pretty rocky the past few weeks. I suppose you have your reasons for why things happen the way they do. And I'm not going to ask, why.One question that is playing on my mind is what I need to learn from all this.

From deciding to resign, going for my masters, and opening my heart up to someone without even thinking about what he might say, the decisions I have made have surprised even me. Despite the fact that some may think that they were rash, irrational and hurried, I know I thought them over and weighed each thought carefully before actually deciding on anything.

I know I did the right thing.

He said no. I don't think I expected a yes, nor did I expect a no. In fact, i don't think I was actually expecting anything. Then why is it that there is this sadness in my heart? Did I subconsciously expect him to say yes? Yes, I'm feeling sad. I know that its best this way, that the decision he made is the best for me. I suppose...sometimes everything that happens is a teacher. What did I learn from this experience?

I learned how to listen to my heart, and to have faith in myself. I learnt that courage is something that lies deep within me, despite the fact that I feel it fails me most of the time. I spoke, from my heart, and it was the best feeling in the world. To be completely honest, to speak with no intentions, and only to show someone the depths of my heart..was something that was not easy to do. And I did that.

It doesn't matter what the outcome is now. The point is, I made something happen for myself. And this sadness, this feeling of crying without actually crying..it will go away. I shouldn't keep thinking about what could have been, when really, it was never meant to be. So...I'll stop right here.

I have Haanu.and Kams. and my darling sister.

Resigning, not knowing what the future holds, the uncertainty that looms ahead of me is daunting. Some people may think, this was the stupidest decision to make, at this point of time. But you know, its the best decision I've made.

Thank you Lord, for giving me the courage to pursue my dreams. Thank you for letting me find the strength to take that first step towards a whole new world of possibilities that you have opened up for me.

Its not going to be easy, I know. The journey towards my destiny has begun, and its rather rocky at the moment. Maybe, you're giving me one blow after another, just to see if I can withstand the rest which is yet to come.

I'm sure, I will be still standing.

If there's one thing I've learnt, its not to give up.

Hold my hand, and walk with me, please. Don't ever let go, because I cannot and I refuse to get lost. When it looks like I'm about to stray, please, hold me close to you, and keep me on the right path. When it looks like I might give up, please remind me of the courage and strength that I have within me. When I fail to realise that you are here, remind me...wipe away the tears, my dearest Lord.

Because you are the best friend I have.

When you're with me, I know, I can achieve the impossible.

Love always,
Your child.

Chennai Candids

2009-03-03T22:32:00.000+08:00

The four of us, crammed in one auto.

The giant Sivaji poster!! Finally. On Mount Road.

Sheela ka cornered by the natural waters :)

When we stopped by the Sunflower patch on the way to Chennai from Parthi :)

Renganathan Street

India 2007.

The year life changed 360 degrees.

The year I finally got the chance to be at Puttaparthi.

And also the year I spent one unforgettable day in Chennai!

After the World Youth Conference in Parthi, my cousins and I decided to take a car down to Chennai so we could have a day to do some sight seeing and of course, shopping!

I remember leaving Parthi at around 3pm.

We had one driver who was sort of so mesmerised by Sheela akka, and kept calling her Shilpa Madam for some odd reason. But we used that to our advantage, got us nice hot coffee and good food..and we got to Chennai a good two hours earlier.

So our day in Chennai begin at the hotel, we stayed at the Residency on T.Nagar. Nice place.

We met up with Satya anne's parents, who took us to Saravana Stores on Renganathan Street by auto! It was one heck of a ride. I enjoyed every moment of it!

Then we had to get down at Renganathan's..we were greeted by a street that was flooded, full of people walking in the flooded waters, making a sort of a muddy-runny-flood water mess. It looked like poop from far. :S

Sheela akka refused to walk in it..I remember Kamini, akka and me trying to find our ways around the water, climbing to higher grounds and all..and Sheela ka nearly died from the smell and the mess!

Then we are told by a passer by, "No Madam, this is not dirty water madam, its all natural waters!"

Hehe.

Natural Waters indeed.

Of course, Roshini ka just waded right through. She fit right in!

We got to the entrance of Saravana Stores, much to our relief, and begged the assistants to lead us to the washrooms so we could clean ur feet.

After establishing the fact that we were foreigners, we were given our own personal store guide (yes, just like in the movies!), who was so patient and kind with us, trying to upsell at every point...But I have to say, that place was quite a bargain. We ended up buying SO many things, for SO little.

The best part was when we got thirsty..and Sheela ka asked the guide, " Do you have some juice?"

He said, " Oh yes madam of course, right this way."

We were lead to the elevators, taken to the top floor - and wallah, it opens up to a cafetaria!!

"Here, you can find all kinds of juice madam."

Then Sheela ka turns around to us and goes," Owh, I thought we would get the juice given to us, like in the movies!"

After all that shopping, we needed a toilet break. Well, it was me and Kams that needed the toilet break. And after that rain, and the amount of people who were in the store, the toilets were really not any place you would want to go to.

I was prepared to hop on an auto and head back to the hotel to relieve myself, when the guide tells me," Oh Madam, don't worry, we have very clean toilets here."

Repeating himself over and over again, he takes us down Renganathan Street (now so famous after that scene in Santosh Subramaniam) to Saravana Mess. The open air food court. THAT was where the clean toilets allegedly were.

I felt this sinking feeling in me as I was led to the toilets. In fact, I could smell them even before I got there! This was FEAR FACTOR for me, really.

After protesting, and saying that I'm just going to take an auto back to the hotel, Roshini akka looked at the both of us and said," listen, just go, and just do it. Face that fear of dirty toilets!"

It was the mother of all dirty toilets.

All I did was cover my nose, close my eyes and say Sai Ram.I'm not even going to try and describe the scene to you.

Well, so much for Renganathan Street. After Sheela ka insisted, we headed to the famous Spencer Plaza! It reminded me alot of Sungei Wang Plaza for some reason. I remember buying a Telugu version of Sivaji the Boss there. And of course, who could forget the Subway Sandwiches we had, and fell sick afterwards.

That was puzzling. We had paani puris by the roadside, and were fine. But Subway Sandwiches made us sick.

Towards the end of the day, as the sun was setting, I was still desperately looking around for the most famous billboard signs - The GIANT SIVAJI POSTER!!! And I found it, at last. It completed the day we had in Chennai, Madrasi Style.

Despite the randomness, I must admit, I loved every bit of Chennai. ;)

And the coffee? Simply, first class, machi!!! :)

Amma's tears.

2009-02-27T11:56:00.000+08:00

Re-post from Manju akka's blog. I read this, and cried. I'm not sure why, but tears still flow, despite having accepted Yoges akka's death, and looking past the past.

Manju akka's blog..
Last nite I was at my BIL's place to do my routine duty - shower the lil one and change her to her pyjama. While at it this was her conversation with me:

Pinku: Chinnama, yesterday my mother from heaven told me I shouldn't eat ice cream.

Me: Oh really - amma told you that - i guess she doesn't want you to catch a cold.

Pinku: Yeah she was crying......

Me: You tell amma don't cry next time - cause you got loved ones around to care for you. Achie to cook and sleep with you, anna's, shaveena and vishal to play with you, chinnamma to joke and wash u up, mami to teach you and papa, chitappa and mama to take you out....she need not cry anymore.

Pinku: I tried to tell her all that, but she kept crying n crying. She won't stop.My mother is missing me and I miss her too.

I slept last nite with a tear. I can imagine the anguish SIL would be in to have lost her lil girl and she her mother. It was too painful to even think about.If she is really is in tears in heaven - Oh God I hope you stop it. It ain't fair you know - just not fair...please stop it.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Pinku, my niece Priyankka. She turned three two weeks after the landslide, and after akka passed away.

It seems like yesterday all this happened, seems like a dream. Anne and the kids have moved into a new place, slowly picking up from where they left off.

There were occasions during the length of prayers that Priyankka said some things about akka talking to her. Wether the soul remains in the home after death, I don't know..but I know she was talking to this little girl.

When you see the innocence of the children, and then the strength that they have to endure all that they have been through..I can only imagine the pain, the grief. Yet, thinking about it will only cause the wound to deepen..I would like to let the sunshine creep into their homes now.

Priyankka smiles, and runs towards me everytime I see her, and I sweep her up in my arms into a big hug. I want to see this smile on her face always.

Avinesh and Thivesh behave like your average kids, but sometimes, I can't help but notice a certain emptiness in their expressions. I suppose talking about it is not something they want to do..especially Thivesh. He's really quite the reserved type.

Their courage is my motivation, and the fuel for my determination to be here for them, always. They are my nephews, and my niece, and I love them so much..I will do everything I can to see that they receive that abundance of Love, just as akka would have wanted.

The biggest change.

2009-02-24T18:07:00.000+08:00

Life changes, sometimes so drastically that you are suddenly put in a situation to make decisions. When you are torn between practicality and chasing a dream, which would be the better choice? What would you do?

My story.

After graduation, it was not easy looking for a job. Everywhere I applied to came back negative, and nothing seemed to be moving. I was getting desperate to find a job, because the financial conditions at home required me to start earning. I had my mind set on working for organisations that dealt with the environment, and conservation. It has been a life long dream to do something like this, and the little tastes of working with animals and the environment while I was in university just fueled this passion further.

Unfortunately, the job vacancies either require Masters degree, or a sufficient amount of working experience in a related field. Both of which I don't have.

Just as things seemed to be getting bleak, Uncle Kiri offered me an opportunity with the company where he sits as Senior Manager. This company deals with marketing, logistics and manufacturing. Its a multinational company, and brands that they work with are big names.

The job he offered me was that of a Product Specialist, dealing with critical care patient monitors. Not as glamourous as the name sounds - its sales. Besides knowing everything and anything about monitors, conducting demos and training sessions, writing proposals, budgets and working on tenders, etc. you have to cut the sales.

Me?Sales?

As this was the first job that came along looking positive, I told myself to give it a shot. I mean, I never knew then if I actually liked sales or not. How will I know if I don't even try?

So I did..I accepted the job.

And for the past four months, I have been nothing but unhappy, stressed and constantly thinking why I agreed to this in the first place. I know I have the ability to speak, present and deal with people rather efficiently. I know that if required to speak in front of a crowd, I will do it without having second thoughts. I'm confident that I am able to do things like this.

But everything you do requires a drive, a passion - something I tried to find in this job, and just couldn't find.

And then you have sleazy customers who ask you to visit their holiday apartments when they are in KL. How would you deal with that?

I sat and thought about what I really wanted to do with my life. Do I see myself working in sales, selling patient monitors in the next five years? Definitely not.

I see myself with a Masters degree, working for the WWF or the UN, or an organisation that works with the things I am passionate about - the environment and conservation.

So...I made the decision to resign.

And I did.

I asked Swami, before doing this..what should I do. And Swami said listen to your heart.

My heart tells me to chase the dreams I have, and not give up or compromise them. I know I have it in me to do this.

What others may think .. I don't know. But I wasn't made to be that way. About the money, I will find ways to generate some income. There's always tuition, and part time jobs while I'm doing my Masters. There's also an opportunity for internships with these companies, which may progress to a permanent job.

Whatever the future holds, I know that this was something I had to do for myself. Rather than to surpress my dreams and work just because I have to, I chose to dream. And I'm not forgetting about the responsibility I have towards the family. I will do all it takes to still give the same amount back to the house.

I thank God my parents have been so supportive of this decision. It was a lengthy discussion, wieghing the pros and cons. In the end of it all, they told me, if this is really what I need to do, then I should chase it.

Someone told me that the heart speaks the language of God.
I'm listening to that language..and I will keep listening.

A new chapter, a new beginning. I step forward, with the faith and confidence that Swami will hold my hand and guide me through it, slowly, but surely.

its all up to Him now..

2009-02-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

Well, I did it. I told him, exactly how I'm feeling.

When it first started out, I suppose it would have as this little crush. Or infactuation. But over time..it started to become completely crystal clear, that this was really something I wanted. That this man was really the one I would want to be with.

How my thoughts turned to marriage, parents, the 6 years difference, lifestyles, etc..and how so miraculously he spoke of the same things when I told him, I couldn't explain. When I heard him speak about the very same things I had so carefully considered before deciding to tell him, I knew somehow, that I had finally met my match.

The conversation was so practical, so mature, I can't tell you what I was feeling. In fact, I wasn't upset that he didn't give an answer, and instead, told me that he will have to think about it as well. And that regardless of the outcome, we would still be friends...I could understand that. Completely.

Its funny how I'm still smiling.

My long conversations with Swami told me that I must do this..and I did. Before leaving the house, I asked Swami what He wanted to say to me..and He said, " Be Self Confident".

When I got back, I spoke to Him again, and said, Swami I've done what I had to do, and I feel wonderful regardless of the outcome. What do you think? And Swami said, " Your wish will come true. I will grant you your wish."

:)

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

-Kahlil Gibran

summed up that much needed courage.

2009-02-21T08:33:00.001+08:00

okay, this is it.

I'm going to say everything that I wanted to, today..and we'll see what happens after that.

So...I suppose, if it was meant to be, then it was..and if it wasn't...

Sunny skies await, baby.
After all, the world didn't die on me :)

Keeping the fingers crossed.

if only.

2009-02-17T00:05:00.000+08:00

its true.

all of it is true.

how a song that was never interesting suddenly sounds like the most beautiful song that I have ever heard.

how suddenly I'm smiling all the time, and little things remind me of ..things.

if only I could sum up that courage to say something.

if only I could just leave it to time to decide.

if only I could open up my heart, for once, take that risk and let it all go.

if only you could just understand, and not have me have to explain it all to you. Its hard.

you make me smile. yes, all of those things are true. as much as I made fun of other people..i'm feeling it too.

the joy, that silent smile, that heartbeat..

the shyness?

why?

sometimes, things cannot be explained. I never saw this coming. I never realised, but I think I have known unconsciously all along. Am I making sense?

take my hand in yours, just for a while. See if it fits..I think it will.

I suppose..if it is meant to be, then it will be.

:)

My perfect-imperfect Valentine's.

2009-02-16T14:17:00.000+08:00

Yes, it was a weekend to remember. Although the whole hype about Valentine's first made me feel rather sad and..somewhat lonely (it gets to you, you know, given that this would be the first Valentine's spent single). So I remember walking around in MidValley last weekend with Susi anne and Mani, and just wondering, what it would be like if there was indeed that someone special.

Of course realising that the special person actually did not exist in my life (officially), naturally it made me feel a little off. So I was really happy when I got a text message from Haanu asking about our plans for Valentine's!

We had a great weekend. It started off at Mojo's at Heritage on Friday night with the girls (Haanu, Pearly, Suleka, and Kamini). We got bored sitting at Heritage, and made a random decision (thanks Kams for insisting) to move to Mumbai Se instead. And did we have fun or what!
The music was amazing, we had so much fun dancing for hours :)

The next morning, Haanu and I decided to find an art gallery, and spend some time doing something we had been planning for months - simply look at art. We ended up in Central Market, and we did so many things, it was amazing we had the time in hand. Our curiousity and impulsive nature that day made us go to a fish spa (RM5 for 10 minutes). Not such a good idea, but it was a good experience - the size of the fishes were HUGE I thought they were mutants or something. Piranhas!

Then we found a damn cool T-shirt for Susi anne..which said something like "So Many Girls! No Time LAH!".

We also took some time to look at some really nice pieces of art. One day, when I have the money, I'll go back to buy them. After a cup of coffee at the kopitiam, we headed off to Brickfields to pick up Kiren and head to Kolej Bandar Utama for Dr. Micheal Goldstein's talk. He's the President of the Prashanti Council, Puttaparthi.

Somehow felt like I had an appointment with Swami, and the message this time round was so timely, I must say it was just meant to be, attending this talk.One of the most important messages that I remember was this :
That the mind is the key, and the heart is the lock. If we turn the key outwards, then all we will see is chaos and disturbances. If we turn the key inwards, we will experience that peace and serenity, despite what happens on the outside.

I also got a really beautiful picture of Swami that Sai G anne got for us all from Parthi..it was like a perfect Valentine's gift from Baba.

After sending Kiren home, Haanu and I took a wrong turn (which I think was pre-planned by the Big Boss), and then right in front of Times Square, my car engine did a little mini explosion. Smoke was just oozing out of the sides, and I stopped the car, got out, and just said "Swami..".

Immediately, out of nowhere two Malay boys came up, asked us what was wrong and took a look at the engine. They told us that the radiator pipe was probably blown, and that the fan might not be working as well. They asked me to try starting the car, and then told me to drive to a safer spot and call for help. Which is exactly what I did.

In that five minutes I was driving from Times Square to the Shell Station, all I could think of was Swami, and I was practically begging Him to hold the engine just till I stop at Shell. And you know what....that was EXACTLY what happened! The engine died completely just as I pulled up at Shell.

After trying to call ALL of my family, and none of them picked up the phone (because we were supposed to be having a family dinner), I got through to Mani, who called Susi anne for me. Anne came in less than 15 minutes, and stayed with Haanu and me till the whole issue was solved.

So in total, for the AAM guy to come, and check the engine, and do some minor repairs, just so I could drive the car to the house, that took 3 hours or so. A great way to end Valentine's.

But I did some thinking..and really, this was a blessing in disguise. So many other things could have happened. If Haanu and I took the right road, we wouldve been driving on the highway, at about say 100kmph. Can you imagine what could have happened if the engine blew at that speed? Or I could've been driving to Seremban or something. ALONE!

Swami really took care of this. And I thank God that things didn't turn ugly.

A big big thank you to Haanu and Susi anne for being there.

We did have an interesting experience. I'll never forget playing Antakshari by the air pump, sitting on some pipe next to the car, waiting for that AAM guy to get there. :)

Woman Goddess

2009-02-13T10:06:00.000+08:00

I had some time today to read my sister-in-law's blog, and came across this inspiring and uplifting writing.She found it on someone else's blog, and posted it up on hers.
Thought I'd just post it up here and share this with everyone.

Within you is the power
To be all you want to be
Yours is the right to discover
To see all that you wish to see.
You make the ultimate choices
To achieve what you want to achieve
Yours is the only decision
That guides yours thoughts and beliefs.
There is a world you have to experience
There are emotions you must go through,
But through all you have to remember
The ultimate decision is made by you.
You have the spirit within
You have the power in you
The goddess within is the spirit
The ultimate power is you.
You are knowledge
You are joy, You are love
You are power. You are powerful.
You hold in your hand the ability to recognize yourself,
the ability to realise your fullest potential.
Goddess Woman of the Elements,
know yourself.

~ Rashmi Anand ~

the mind speaks.

2009-02-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

There's just something about those eyes.But I guess that's what everyone says as well, right?
Yea.

Here's what I think.

I am probably increasing the probability of me falling for this one by just simply being around so often. Do I want to take the risk of rejection, or acceptance? Do I think I'm ready to do this right now? I don't know. Risk losing friendship? It's a 50/50 thing.

He makes me happy. He makes me feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me smile.

Sounds so lame and corny, but its actually how I feel. I'm not sure why I'm succumbing to the same explainations all over again, I'm not sure what I want to do about it either. What I do know is that it's a nice feeling. I'm happy.

The only song I can think of now, ironically, is Kadhal Rojave from Roja. WHHHYYY.

I think I'm just confused la. And with this Valentine's coming up..I'm spending it with Haanu. One thing I've realised..no matter what comes and goes, Haanu is here to stay. And I love her to bits. So I know it will be the best Valentine's..

To the man who puts that smile on my face, everytime,
I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way around you. And mind you, its just been happening. It wasn't always like this. I like you.Yup. Do I know if you feel the same way? Nope.
But thank you for being here, in times that I felt like I needed someone to be here, and even the times when you didn't have to be here.
I'm not sure what to do next..but I do know that I cherish the friendship that you have so graciously shared with me. Always.

3 months.

2009-02-02T11:47:00.000+08:00

Its been a good three months since I first started working. These three months have been turbulent, hectic, depressing at times, difficult, and weirdly exciting.

I can't say that I am totally passionate about what I'm now doing for a living, there was a brief period of time where I completely doubted my ability to handle the nature of this job. However...after a long chat with Someone, I decided that I will stick to this, and not let the mind wonder into What-If's.

If I'm here, then there's definitely a reason why. I'm sure Swami won't give me anything I won't be able to handle.

The brat returns Down Under tomorrow, and it'll be back to me being alone again with the folks. Its funny how I eventually get used to being the only one around.

I guess it takes time to get used to a job. I am trying to get used to it, trying to like it, and trying to find some sort of joy in it. It's slowly creeping into my life, I'm slowly getting there. Slowly but surely.

We'll see how it goes for this year.

My ultimate dream job is still far away.Sigh.

a little picnic with the kids

2009-01-28T15:31:00.000+08:00

We took the kids for a picnic a week after Yoges akka's 45th day prayers. I think it was a good decision.

The children had lots of fun, as the pictures show. And I guess, the adults had a good break.

I thought I'd put up the photos for everyone to see.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everybody who has been so supportive and kind to the family in this trying and painful time. It's been over a month since the landslide and Yoges akka's passing, and I can't fully say things will ever be the same again, or even move towards that direction.

The boys and Priyankka have been very strong. I must say, I am so proud of my nephews for being the strong boys they are. For a 12 and 11 year old, they have been amazingly matured. Priyankka is still too young to understand fully, but she's been a good girl.

Thana anne has held it all up for the family, and I am just full of admiration for my brother. To lose his wife, the love of his life, and still, hold it all together..no words, really.

The whole family, has been one bonded unit, constantly together and keeping each other in check.

I'm sure akka was with us during the picnic. I certainly felt her presence.

about a boy.

2009-01-16T00:02:00.000+08:00

there is this one boy, that i can't really put a finger on what sort of feelings i feel.you see, its rather complicated in a delightful way.

he's nice, just like that. no need to go extra miles to impress, no need for fancy dinners or pretty places. a smile, some laughter and a lot of sharing is all it takes i suppose. its funny how people grow on you, because i think this boy has.

still, i'm thinking. what does it take to be absolutely sure?i thought about it for some time. and then, surprisingly, i realised that i dont really need to be absolutely sure at this point of time. the uncertainty that lingers, is rather nice. its a nice feeling, not knowing for a change.

there's no need to rush into making a decision.

let me tell you more about this boy.

he makes me laugh, and at times he makes me feel like i need to strangle him. he listens when i have things to say, he speaks his mind regardless of situations, he gives advice when needed. opinions more like it. he laughs with me, sometimes at me as well. wait..i think the second part is usually the one that dominates the laughing instances.

and you know, with the past month which was one whirlwind of events, it was this boy that stood by me, all the way. despite the fact that he was pretty busy, he took the effort and time to call, talk and meet up. constantly checking to see if i was okay, if things were okay, and if there was anything to be done.

and all of this, i must say, was done just out of the mere fact that we are friends. i guess i hadn't had the chance to experience genuine friendship in a while.

i don't think i can sense any other feelings developing. but even if i do feel anything, i think we'll just let it be. its a nice feeling, not knowing. :)

for a change, lets just let nature take its course..whichever way she fancies.